Married women are heaveir than single women...
because single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

My wife just told me she wants to have a baby. I didn't have the balls to tell her I'd been castrated.

I needed to measure my waist but I couldn't find the tape measure. So I just shoved a ruler up my ass and multiplied it by pi.

A conspiracy theorist walks into a bar......................or so the government would have us believe.

The worst part about breaking up right before
Halloween is having to explain at every party why I'm dressed as half of a horse.

Lynyrd Skynyrd wrote a song about how great
Alabama is, and the only thing they could come up with is that the sky is really blue.

Funny how they say we need to talk…
when they really mean you need to listen.

If I’ve learned anything in life...
it’s that not enough people are at a loss for words.

Want his attention? Send nudes.
Want to piss him off? When he responds, reply "Oops, wrong person"

My coworkers think I'm always busy... but I'm really just trying to remember my password.

Dear couples who fight in public...
Stop trying to whisper, and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Some people have a way with words,
others not have way.