Respert24’s Guide To Remaining Hopeful For Press Releases
This comprehensive guide gives readers effective tools for remaining hopeful in the face of company silence. If used correctly, studies have shown that readers maintain higher levels of endorphins (p-value < 0.0001), experience a two-fold increase in their ROI* (Renewed Optimism Index; p-value < 0.005), and for unknown reasons at this point of development, a 500% spike in Riboflavin (p-value < 0.000000002).
*For more information on ROI, please visit your local Respert24 headquarters which is temporarily located in the old Pizza Hut or House of Pancakes that shut down years ago.
Monday
When 8:30 on a Monday morning passes by with no press release email, fear not. For Monday is but the beginning of a long week where, quite literally, anything can happen. In fact, one could argue that putting out a press release on a Monday is a bad idea. They don’t call them “a case of the Mondays” because everyone is at their best. No, people are, rightfully, pissed off they have to go back to work where Linda continues to put out shit work that you again have to fix, and Ted’s bad breath is intensifying in a way that makes you wonder if there might actually be a dead raccoon in there somewhere. Logically it can’t be, as a mouth is only so big and raccoons are traditionally much larger than a human mouthal cavity (science term). But there’s just no other reason that comes to mind.
Yep, Monday morning is a bad time to kick off the week with a PR. Nobody is truly ready for it.
Which is why we hold out hope that after the bell we might get an announcement of news or a conference call where we anticipate big things being announced. See? We’ve already gotten over our disappointment for the morning. Buuuuuut, if we don’t get anything in the afternoon we’re right back in it. How could they? Who the hell is running this ship?
Monday Afternoon
Big Money, No Whammies!
Dammit. Nothing.
Which is when you tell yourself that afternoon is not the best time for big news. They’ll want to announce this in the morning to grab the market by the balls. Yep, it’s a good thing we didn’t get anything now when everyone has a whole night to lose the eye of the tiger, or worse yet forget completely as some new shiny ball bounces in from your periphery. That brings us to Tuesday.
Tuesday
Ahh, yes. Tuesday. The best possible day to have a morning PR in my humble opinion. We have a lot of week left ahead of us for the market to absorb the news and shorts to have to cover at higher levels. Surely we’ll get some news. Hell, we’re as overdue as a pay-by-mail toll.
But then 8:30 passes.
Shit. Or is it shit?
Didn’t we get our 8:30 email around 8:37 that one time? I think we did. Could be my email is slow, or could be that the company’s server just didn’t kick it out as quickly as it should. That’s probably it. We should wait another few minutes just to be safe. Don’t get all riled up for nothing, I always say.
But then 8:40 passes.
Double turds!
But hey, this is actually not so bad. In reality, a PR could come at any time, not just at 8:30. Because if we’re dropping a big partnership or licensing PR it’ll need to be coordinated with our partner. Presumably this partner is bigger than we are so we’ll probably drop the news at the preferred time of our suitor. So we wait. Maybe it’ll happen at 9am? That would be a great time to drop the news so there isn’t much time for the market makers to let their short or hedge fund buddies off the hook easily.
But then 9am passes and, you know what? That’s too close to the bell. We need 8:30 or earlier now that I think about it. So good, I’m glad it didn’t hit now. Perhaps after the market closes. Yep, that’s the move if I were Cytodyn.
Tuesday After The Bell
(Refer to Monday afternoon expectations and results)
Wednesday
Good ol’ Hump Day. What a glorious day for news. Still a good amount of week left, and surely the reason we didn’t get anything on Monday or Tuesday was that they were finalizing details. Not everyone works over the weekend. They probably sat down Monday and started working, with things bleeding into Tuesday. Give them time to let the lawyers do their thing and that brings us to 8:30am sharp, baby.
F*CK!
What the hell happened to our cadence and our accelerated timeline? It’s a Wednesday in early March for chrissakes!
*deep breath*
Ok, you know what? These things take time and thoughtful unveiling. They probably didn’t want to rush anything just to get it in the morning after the meetings adjourned. They have a few days to release news like this, so they’re going to do it right. Triple check everything. I like it. Strategery at its finest. Good on ‘em. You see, that’s why we got the new team in place. They’re killing it, as I've repeatedly said.
I bet we get something this afternoon. That gives them a full 24 hours to shape the PR for maximum efficacy and total destruction of the shorts.
Wednesday After The Bell
(Refer to Monday and Tuesday afternoon expectations and results)
Thursday
C’mon, baby! Thursday is the last reasonable day of the week to drop a PR as Friday’s are traditionally for bad news and there also isn’t much week to work with and we want this puppy to run.
8:30 passes with no news.
SONUFAMONKEY!
Am I crazy? How was there not a PR this morning? All signs were pointing to it. So what’s the deal?
Oh, I know. And this is pretty smart, actually. We’re probably going to get an announcement after the bell that we’re having a conference call next week. That’s when they drop our version of Fat Man on the world. It’ll be amazing. And we didn’t find out anything yet because there are a LOT of moving parts. I’m confident we’ll get all the t’s dotted and I’s crossed. Wait. Reverse that.
Afternoon passes with no news.
The only explanation is that we’ve had another big pharma enter the chat. Yep, right now they’re in the middle of a bidding war. That has to be it, otherwise we’d have had news this week for sure. I can see it now. Carl Gilead is panicking, chunking his bids up by $5-$10 billion every time he hears that Jeffrey Merck countered. Glaxo, Smith, and Kline are all left in the dust as they hit their ceiling tens of billions of dollars ago. It’s a war we know we’ll win, and win soon. Someone will run out of money. Surely we’ll know in the morning. Friday’s aren’t ideal, but this deal is erupting at the seams and a hungry market has their belt off ready to eat.
Friday
8:30 passes, 9:00 passes.
I’ve always said nobody in their right mind would drop news on a Friday when they can wait until Monday when the whole week is ahead of you. Smart move. Three dimensional chess, if I’m being honest. Kudos to management.
Friday Afternoon
NO WHAMMIES! NO WHAMMIES!
Whew! We’re clear. On to Monday, baby! It’s a new week and the absolute BEST week for dropping a frigging monster of a press release. It’s going to happen. Monday morning at 8:30am for sure. It's the best day, I've always known that and stated that publicly. Strap in. Get your affairs in order. Line up some of those other kinds of affairs. Eat filet. Crack the good bottle. Get that extra side of fries. We’ve earned it, everybody.
This comprehensive guide gives readers effective tools for remaining hopeful in the face of company silence. If used correctly, studies have shown that readers maintain higher levels of endorphins (p-value < 0.0001), experience a two-fold increase in their ROI* (Renewed Optimism Index; p-value < 0.005), and for unknown reasons at this point of development, a 500% spike in Riboflavin (p-value < 0.000000002).
*For more information on ROI, please visit your local Respert24 headquarters which is temporarily located in the old Pizza Hut or House of Pancakes that shut down years ago.
Monday
When 8:30 on a Monday morning passes by with no press release email, fear not. For Monday is but the beginning of a long week where, quite literally, anything can happen. In fact, one could argue that putting out a press release on a Monday is a bad idea. They don’t call them “a case of the Mondays” because everyone is at their best. No, people are, rightfully, pissed off they have to go back to work where Linda continues to put out shit work that you again have to fix, and Ted’s bad breath is intensifying in a way that makes you wonder if there might actually be a dead raccoon in there somewhere. Logically it can’t be, as a mouth is only so big and raccoons are traditionally much larger than a human mouthal cavity (science term). But there’s just no other reason that comes to mind.
Yep, Monday morning is a bad time to kick off the week with a PR. Nobody is truly ready for it.
Which is why we hold out hope that after the bell we might get an announcement of news or a conference call where we anticipate big things being announced. See? We’ve already gotten over our disappointment for the morning. Buuuuuut, if we don’t get anything in the afternoon we’re right back in it. How could they? Who the hell is running this ship?
Monday Afternoon
Big Money, No Whammies!
Dammit. Nothing.
Which is when you tell yourself that afternoon is not the best time for big news. They’ll want to announce this in the morning to grab the market by the balls. Yep, it’s a good thing we didn’t get anything now when everyone has a whole night to lose the eye of the tiger, or worse yet forget completely as some new shiny ball bounces in from your periphery. That brings us to Tuesday.
Tuesday
Ahh, yes. Tuesday. The best possible day to have a morning PR in my humble opinion. We have a lot of week left ahead of us for the market to absorb the news and shorts to have to cover at higher levels. Surely we’ll get some news. Hell, we’re as overdue as a pay-by-mail toll.
But then 8:30 passes.
Shit. Or is it shit?
Didn’t we get our 8:30 email around 8:37 that one time? I think we did. Could be my email is slow, or could be that the company’s server just didn’t kick it out as quickly as it should. That’s probably it. We should wait another few minutes just to be safe. Don’t get all riled up for nothing, I always say.
But then 8:40 passes.
Double turds!
But hey, this is actually not so bad. In reality, a PR could come at any time, not just at 8:30. Because if we’re dropping a big partnership or licensing PR it’ll need to be coordinated with our partner. Presumably this partner is bigger than we are so we’ll probably drop the news at the preferred time of our suitor. So we wait. Maybe it’ll happen at 9am? That would be a great time to drop the news so there isn’t much time for the market makers to let their short or hedge fund buddies off the hook easily.
But then 9am passes and, you know what? That’s too close to the bell. We need 8:30 or earlier now that I think about it. So good, I’m glad it didn’t hit now. Perhaps after the market closes. Yep, that’s the move if I were Cytodyn.
Tuesday After The Bell
(Refer to Monday afternoon expectations and results)
Wednesday
Good ol’ Hump Day. What a glorious day for news. Still a good amount of week left, and surely the reason we didn’t get anything on Monday or Tuesday was that they were finalizing details. Not everyone works over the weekend. They probably sat down Monday and started working, with things bleeding into Tuesday. Give them time to let the lawyers do their thing and that brings us to 8:30am sharp, baby.
F*CK!
What the hell happened to our cadence and our accelerated timeline? It’s a Wednesday in early March for chrissakes!
*deep breath*
Ok, you know what? These things take time and thoughtful unveiling. They probably didn’t want to rush anything just to get it in the morning after the meetings adjourned. They have a few days to release news like this, so they’re going to do it right. Triple check everything. I like it. Strategery at its finest. Good on ‘em. You see, that’s why we got the new team in place. They’re killing it, as I've repeatedly said.
I bet we get something this afternoon. That gives them a full 24 hours to shape the PR for maximum efficacy and total destruction of the shorts.
Wednesday After The Bell
(Refer to Monday and Tuesday afternoon expectations and results)
Thursday
C’mon, baby! Thursday is the last reasonable day of the week to drop a PR as Friday’s are traditionally for bad news and there also isn’t much week to work with and we want this puppy to run.
8:30 passes with no news.
SONUFAMONKEY!
Am I crazy? How was there not a PR this morning? All signs were pointing to it. So what’s the deal?
Oh, I know. And this is pretty smart, actually. We’re probably going to get an announcement after the bell that we’re having a conference call next week. That’s when they drop our version of Fat Man on the world. It’ll be amazing. And we didn’t find out anything yet because there are a LOT of moving parts. I’m confident we’ll get all the t’s dotted and I’s crossed. Wait. Reverse that.
Afternoon passes with no news.
The only explanation is that we’ve had another big pharma enter the chat. Yep, right now they’re in the middle of a bidding war. That has to be it, otherwise we’d have had news this week for sure. I can see it now. Carl Gilead is panicking, chunking his bids up by $5-$10 billion every time he hears that Jeffrey Merck countered. Glaxo, Smith, and Kline are all left in the dust as they hit their ceiling tens of billions of dollars ago. It’s a war we know we’ll win, and win soon. Someone will run out of money. Surely we’ll know in the morning. Friday’s aren’t ideal, but this deal is erupting at the seams and a hungry market has their belt off ready to eat.
Friday
8:30 passes, 9:00 passes.
I’ve always said nobody in their right mind would drop news on a Friday when they can wait until Monday when the whole week is ahead of you. Smart move. Three dimensional chess, if I’m being honest. Kudos to management.
Friday Afternoon
NO WHAMMIES! NO WHAMMIES!
Whew! We’re clear. On to Monday, baby! It’s a new week and the absolute BEST week for dropping a frigging monster of a press release. It’s going to happen. Monday morning at 8:30am for sure. It's the best day, I've always known that and stated that publicly. Strap in. Get your affairs in order. Line up some of those other kinds of affairs. Eat filet. Crack the good bottle. Get that extra side of fries. We’ve earned it, everybody.
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