For a Guy Who Hates Being Called a Loser, He Really is

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For a Guy Who Hates Being Called a Loser, He Really is Losing an Awful Lot

Friday, December 11th, 2020

by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal | 1 comment

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Well, just while I was wrapping up tonight, before half the House Treason Caucus could even complete their Why I’m Fascist Now tweetstorms, SCOTUS rejected the Paxton “lawsuit,” and so, at long last, all the Kraken have been slain. Obviously, everybody’s got a great deal of laughing to get to in the aftermath of all this losing, so I’ll leave y’all to it.

I think I speak for everyone in asking, “Whose bright fucking idea was it to stretch out the transition so goddamn long?” It’s waaaaaaaay past time to start tossing all the ill-fitting suits and stale cheeseburgers out on the White House lawn. Get on with it.

We’re still doing the blockhead-coup-in-the-middle-of-a-pandemic-run-amuck thing, if you were curious. Yup, we’re headed into a period where the death toll is expected to exceed 9/11’s, every single day for 60 to 90 days, while the energies of the federal government focus exclusively on an insane attempt to end democracy in America using only chewing gum and imbecility.

I dunno about y’all, but going forward, I’m gonna take a hard pass on sitting through any stern moralizing about the sanctity of life from the shrieking cultists turning the handle on the meat grinder that’s chewing through three thousand American lives every 24 hours.

ANYWAY.

You’ll be delighted to learn that yes, there is indeed a plan in place to aerate, cleanse, scour, boil, exorcise, disinfect, and generally detoxify the White House before Joe n’ Kamala move in.

I’m confident they’ll successfully turn that fetid plague pit into a safe and functional workplace, but I fear the current occupant’s loserstink will linger for some time.

Incestuous celebrity crackpot Rudy Giuliani is making a speedy recovery from COVID-19, thanks to access to extremely expensive, cutting edge medical treatments reserved for presidential co-conspirators.

Nothing says “populism” quite like evading the consequences of your own mass-murdering disinformation spree via elites-only health care, right? Also, the ghost of Herman Cain is wondering why he didn’t merit the good shit, but of course everyone else figured that one out pretty quick, didn’t they?

Presidential Medal of Freedom Defiler Rush Limbaugh casually promoted secession on his show the other day, alongside the customary snake oils and doomsday prep kits. Let me just say that inciting a posthumous civil war is an absolute garbage way to go out, and if there’s any sort of judgment at all awaiting on the other side, hoooooooooooooooooooo you in trouble, son.

Scandal at the CDC, as Director Robert Redfield stands accused of ordering employees to delete an e-mail containing a sinister Shart House attempt to meddle in public health science, and of course the real scandal is the fucking meddling, and should all this wind up with nobody but Redfield facing legal repercussions for this administration’s mudslide of lies, I’m going to leave America a sharply-worded Yelp review, believe you me.

No sooner was Dick Hinch elected Speaker of the New Hampshire House of Representatives than he caught COVID-19, almost certainly at a largely maskless GOP event, and died.

This would serve as a tidy little lesson for Republicans, were they capable of learning. I would, of course, be derelict in my duties if I allowed this paragraph to pass without engaging in a hearty, juvenile chuckle at the name “Dick Hinch.”

Call Ken Paxton the Pied Piper of Perfidious Pricks, because 126 sitting U.S. Congresstraitors, including Leader McCarthy, signed onto his clownish, pathetic, I Can Haz Pardon? attempt to overturn the results of the 2020 election, presumably by presenting such a cringeworthy argument to the Supreme Court that they award Weehands McNodick a second term out of pity.

‘Course, it’s the very flimsiness of Paxton’s case that makes these collaborating bastards’ actions so unforgivable. Knowing the outcome in advance doesn’t change the fact that y’all signed your good names to a document asking the highest court in the land to steal the right of self-determination from the American people, and to do so on behalf of the undisputed shittiest President in history, right in the middle of a mass-casualty catastrophe for which he is directly responsible. It’s gotta be said: y’all weren’t raised right.

If I may be so bold as to resurrect an old catchphrase, it’s never too early to encourage everyone to VOTE IN THE GODDAMN MIDTERMS, because vesting lawmaking authority in McCarthy’s caucus of power-crazed, fascist-curious, so-much-Stockholm-Syndrome-you’ll-get-sick-of-Stockholm-Syndrome subpar white dudes seems unwise.

Apparently, God overheard somebody saying, “Well at least this shit can’t get any stupider,” and in His wisdom He did send forth the dipshit representatives of made-up states that exist only in the minds of the seditious and witless to join forces with the Stoopid Coo. Four years of kakistocracy have certainly emboldened the nation’s dumbasses.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/andrewsolender/2...d8063224a8

I confess I’ve never spared a single stray thought to the politics of Morocco, outside of the odd Bogart flick, but I do know that whatever the state of their affairs, their government should not be able to manipulate the President of the United States like a crusty sock puppet, yet…here we are.

Taking advantage of Fat Q*bert’s monstrous thirst for adulation earned with minimal effort, Morocco tricked the Lamest of All Possible Ducks into official American recognition of their occupation of Western Sahara in exchange for normalizing relations with Israel (with a little grift on the side, of course). The unhinged cackle you’re hearing now is me, ruminating that all this started with a ghostwritten book about dealmaking.

Despite overwhelming bipartisan support, Utah Senator Mike Lee single-handedly blocked proposed expansions to the Smithsonian honoring the history of women and Latinos in America, because he believes acknowledging any culture except his own is “divisive.”

Now, this is, objectively, white, male supremacy, and there’s no arguing otherwise, even in this age of gaslighting and alternative facts, but if you point out this simple, obvious truth, oh what a patronizing lecture you receive!

Redactor General William Barr, denied the opportunity to continue his fashy makeover of the Justice Department, is consoling himself by squeezing as much state-sponsored murder as possible into the transition period.

Brandon Bernard was executed Thursday, and four additional murders are scheduled for the Turd Reich’s waning days. Nobody’s any safer, or stronger, or healthier, or happier, but hey, the right-wing death cult gets a few more hits of their drug of choice.

Mitch McConnell finds the bipartisan coronavirus relief compromise insufficiently plutocrat-friendly, so no relief for you, peasants, all your suffering and death represents simply an opportunity to extract concessions from those chump politicians who actually care whether you live or die.

Hey, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but we actually have a phenomenal opportunity to take this megalomaniacal monster’s power away from him, and fire two cartoonishly corrupt oligarchs in the process! Please do whatever you can to help elect Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff on January 5th! The very course of history hangs in the balance, but, y’know…no pressure.

I see Devin Nunes caught the ‘rona. This presents a golden opportunity to study whether the virus is transmissible through human/pig sexual intercourse, condolences in advance to the laboratory assistant tasked with collecting the necessary samples .

Well, just while I was wrapping up tonight, before half the House Treason Caucus could even complete their Why I’m Fascist Now tweetstorms, SCOTUS rejected the Paxton “lawsuit,” and so, at long last, all the Kraken have been slain. Obviously, everybody’s got a great deal of laughing to get to in the aftermath of all this losing, so I’ll leave y’all to it.

Seriously, I’m cackling so hard I expect the neighbors to complain. Although they put up with the show tunes in the shower, or, now that I think of it, maybe they don’t, and the prospect of a long quarantine winter of Chess and Pippin has them plotting my demise. I’m gonna have some beers and think about my choices, friends; stay safe out there.