Wife jokes  Went out last night and got really

Wife jokes 


Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some fat ugly chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK! 


** 
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part. 


** 
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster. 


** 
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off. 


** 
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as my wife likes to call it. 


** 
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!" 


** 
I woke up this morning at 8:00, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast until 11:30. 


** 
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me three hours to get her off the Ferris wheel. 


** 
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!" 


** 
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "So now you want me to stay!" 


** 
A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?" "No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun." 


** 
A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned. I masturbated while thinking about my sister." "That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers." 


** 
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.