I Hear You Have a Sad, Donny Things aren’t

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I Hear You Have a Sad, Donny

Things aren’t going well for you, are they? The other boys and girls at the G20 Summit didn’t invite you to sit at the “cool table” in the cafeteria, no one wanted to play with you at recess, and your best bud, Vlad, high-fived his new best friend right in front of you.

But all is not lost. I have a few suggestions that might put you back in the good graces of the nation, and the world at large. All you have to do is make good on all of the things you’ve railed about for the past two years.

You’ve been calling for Hillary to be “locked up” for her many crimes. Now is the time to publish the details of her criminal behaviour. Just tweet the links to the actual facts that prove her malfeasance.

You’ve stated that you know “the caravan” includes hardened criminals. If you know this to be true, you must be in possession of their names and their criminal records. So name them, and disclose the information pertaining to their criminality. Easy-peasy.

You’ve insisted that 3,000,000 people voted illegally in the 2016 general election, which is allegedly why you lost the popular vote. This is the opportune moment to tell the populace who these 3,000,000 voters are, and explain how they were able to vote without the necessary credentials to do so.

You’ve claimed to have “hundreds of pics” of Comey and Mueller “kissing and hugging each other”. Why not disclose them all now? If you’ve got ‘em, flaunt ‘em.

You have often threatened political opponents with knowing facts that could destroy their political careers. So do it! Let’s hear all of those “facts” now.

You’re a brilliant writer – despite the fact that “Art of the Deal” almost sold as many copies in three decades as Michelle Obama’s tome, “Becoming”, sold in two weeks. Surely an author with your gravitas has an explanation as to why this happened – so let’s hear it.

You’ve said that people change their clothes in their cars in order to vote multiple times. How do you know that? Dazzle the populace with an array of videos, snapshots, testimony from poll workers – any documented evidence that proves this ever happened.

You once bragged about the sleuths you sent to Hawaii to prove Obama wasn’t born there. We never heard the end of that particular tale. Now would be the time to reveal their explosive findings.

If there was NO COLLUSION! with Russia – as you’ve oft declared – the time is ripe to explain why so many people in your inner circle have repeatedly lied about their contacts with Russian operatives. It’s the story every citizen wants to hear. Why hold back now?

While you’re at it, you could explain why you handed the Russians confidential information in a “closed meeting” in the Oval Office – oh, and why, when you were in Helsinki, you practically fellated Putin on the world stage.

If you could just clear up the above matters, I’ve no doubt the populace would be on your side in no time.

So Putin has kicked you to the curb, the people you said would never turn on you are spilling their guts, Mueller is so close you can hear him breathing in your ear, your closest confidants are choosing between loyalty to you and lengthy prison sentences, and your daily tweets will be marked as exhibits in the case against you.

Things could be worse – although, for the life of me, I really can’t imagine how.

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