My wife was complaining to me
"You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back".
Me: "what do you expect, you're in a wheelchair.
Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight....
I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanhjkjhgfd,, THIS IS SCOTT'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
People complain about auto-correct
but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
I'm good friends with 25 letters
of the alphabet... I font know why.
Don't get me wrong, im all for the women's movement....
I hate it when they just lie there.
There's a company called Kia and there's
a company called Nokia... I don't know who to believe
I've decided to make my own beer.
I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!
Whenever I meet a new girl,
I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand.
I don't want her to meet her competition right away.
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too.
Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst."
Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.
I've just released my own fragrance.
No one on the bus seems to like it though.
So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?
'Pizza Hut, can I take your order?'
Me: 'May I speak with the owl, please?
Me: 'Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.'
”I put the 'sass' in sasquatch.”
I'm not saying I need a pube trimmer, but when I get an erection it looks like Pinnochio has joined the Taliban.
This girl texted me, "Your adorable."
I texted back, "No YOU'RE adorable."
Now she likes me when all I was doing was pointing out her typo.
I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words?
Man I hate writing thank you cards.
Anybody know how long you're supposed to boil condoms
before reusing them?
How women clean a toilet: Gloves, comet, scrub brush, bucket.
How men clean the toilet: Piss as hard as you can at the shit stains.
Lesbian alternatives to the phrase 'Cockblock':
2) Clam jam
4) Taco blocko