I tell ya, Dave the chef at this lousy restaurant

I tell ya, Dave the chef at this lousy restaurant that I can't stop visiting really is the worst. I don't think he's an Amurican either (sorry Redspeed) and he's too thin to be a good chef - I'm sure he doesn't eat his own cooking, I'll give him credit for having that much sense at least. But I just like to eat there because I know how bad the food is and because I really like writing negative reviews on yelp, poking fun at all the other patrons who lack my sophisticated palate.

Dave, you pretty much pioneered this perpetual hard sell rant so you know better than I how it works - I keep the focus here on my concerns, not yours. When people try to change the script I will talk about "freedom of speech" and how "important" and "valid" my concerns are and how anyone who disagrees with me is engaging in "groupthink" and you know the drill. It's ABC - always be closing. I had a funny video to help illustrate that concept but posting that here wouldn't be very nice. But I don't think I could actually spam a message board like you can because I'd start to feel bad annoying some other readers here.

You "expected more from" me. Well. Okay. You have other stock replies like "[insert name], have you been drinking?!" This one is more patronizing. I can't imagine seeking your approval. The other day you said you have two personas and that offline you're actually a "nice" guy. It's not the worst character flaw by any means but it's not something that I'd be proud to admit.