I drink to drown my sorrows...
but the damn things learned to swim....

I must admit...I have a drinking problem....
I pass out long before I'm done drinking.

My son gets his brains from his mother.
I still have mine.

I want to thank the girl with no bra.........
who ran with me through the last few miles of yesterday's marathon. Your lack of support got me through.

What do you call dangerous precipitation?
A rain of terror.

Two blondes were in a parking lot....
trying in vain to unlock their car door with a coat hanger. When the girl with the hanger paused to catch her breath, her friend said: "Hurry up !, It's starting to rain and the top is down."

My friends accused me of being a tight wad, so..
I bought them a beer. Then they complained because they wanted one each.

I'm so lazy, I have...
a snooze button on my smoke alarm.

Flat earthers
The thing they fear is sphere itself

Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF at iFib