Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you.

When people say
"Go to sleep, you'll feel better", they really mean...
Try turning yourself off and on again.

Whenever someone says that something is "Better than sex",
I always think "Better than sex with you maybe".

My boss just appointed me as his sexual consultant.
His exact words were, “When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.”

Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?
I don't know, they just ransomware

The American school system is very disorganized and poorly run...
I guess school really does prepare you for the real world