The mechanic has informed me that the shrieking sound I hear in my car on my way to work is apparently me.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn't you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

Fried chicken is unhealthy.
Especially for the chicken.

Whoever decided on spelling "biscuit" really needs to get their shuit together.

[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him

Hats were invented in 1784 when a Canadian was too polite to ask a raccoon to get off his head.

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn't leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

I'd tell my neighbor about the weird smell coming from her apartment, but she's been so quiet that I don't want to disturb her.

My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book 'The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron' is a hit with both critics and readers.

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.