My proctologist just gave me two thumbs up.
Which I did not appreciate.

Hillary walks into a bar. Bartender says,
"The ¦¦ ¦¦¦¦ is ¦¦¦¦¦ ¦¦¦¦ and ¦¦ ¦¦¦¦!"

At job interview:
"So do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?"
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?

Dating my ex is like a walk in the park.
Jurassic Park.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet.
Now, if I ever get a life, I'll be alerted immediately.

I'm optimistic, though.
My life is only half full of shit.

In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time.
10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends.
Stay in school kids.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions
without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

Fun prank:
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

I'm more of a leader than a follower, unless
you're wearing yoga pants.