couple good ones!- The Poles have just acquired 1000 septic tanks.
As soon as they find out how to drive them, they are going to invade Germany.

I hired a guy to help me gather up all of this hay
he completely baled on me

I've known my drug dealer since I was this high.

The police asked me to make a statement…
so I ran around the precinct shouting, "Save the whales!"

I am known at the gym as…
the "before picture."

I think my wife has a surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

A Native American came up to me and said, “Your people stole my land.”
Hey, I’m Jewish, my family didn’t come to America until around 1900.
So I said, “Look, I’m Jewish. We had nothing to do with stealing your land.”
Then I found out that his house was foreclosed on by the bank.
… and I was like, “Oh, my bad.”

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

My dyslexia has just hit a new owl.

I wonder what ‘DON’T TOUCH’ is in Braille.