Caffeine is bad for you,
fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don't worry, because that's bad for you too.

My niece miscarried last night. She really needs to brush up on her long division skills.

I can't remember
the last time I heard a good Alzheimer's joke.

My son's girlfriend says she loves him and thinks that he's "The One". I hope she's not confusing him with Neo.

There was a piece of cake in the fridge and a note on it saying "Don't eat me." I left an empty plate with my own note: "I don't take orders from a cake."

Smoke detectors need
to be tested from time to time, so tonight I'm cooking.

I have kleptomania,
but when it gets really bad I take something for it.

When my wife caught me using penis enlargement cream, she laughed. I said, "There's no need to rub it in."

"You won't catch me paying for sex," I shouted, as I pulled on my pants, grabbed my shoes and ran out of the brothel.

I found out I had kleptomania...
after I stole a look at my medical records.