Irony:
I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

Don't you believe it...
failure is ALWAYS an option.

Online dates are like recipes… they never look like the picture.

If anybody's interested... Greece just went up on eBay.

Broke my nose playing football today…
threw the controller at the wall and it bounced back.

Thanks for nothing autocorrect...
I'm never gonna get chicks being a "homeless romantic".

Honey I’m just saying…
if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day, it may be time to trim things up a bit.

Your car should say something about you…
and not just ramble on about itself like you're not even there.

I went to a costume party
and showed up in the nude carrying a woman on my back. My friend answers the door and shockingly asks, “What are you supposed to be?!”
I answered, “I’m a snail.”
With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, “Well, who is she?”
My answer: “Michelle.”