And then alcohol said...
"Put that on facebook, it's hilarious."
But alcohol was wrong, so very wrong.

Just got kicked out of Walmart...
for having a concealed belly button.

I think I figured out Victoria's Secret... she's hungry.

I saw a car with "Wash Me" written on it...
so I set it on fire. I've watched the Terminator movies and I'll be damned if I'm going to allow cars to become sentient!

I know my computer doesn't have a virus...
because I've never had a laughing skull and crossbones pop up onscreen.

Remember that time when we got trapped
on a ski-lift for 2 days? Then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns.
So if you ever wander into one of his movies...you can just shoot yourself.

I never thought I'd meet the girl of my dreams
while I was out running errands in sweat pants...and I was right