I never wanted to believe
that my Dad stole from his job as a road worker, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

Facebook is the adult way to have imaginary friends.

Failed my Geography exam yesterday.....
Apparently the capital of Colorado isn't 'C'

Never try to be someone you’re not,because then people are like, “Hey! You’re not my husband!” and then they call the police.

Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again.
So don't tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don't pay off.

Can someone please invent pantyhose that
don't rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is
to wait 15 minutes in your car before going anywhere.