Why is gravity so cheap? It's mass produced .
Why do fat women defy the laws of gravity?
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Dr Martin V Nostrand was nearly switched at birth
at the hospital. Fortunately they caught his mom in the act.
What did Neal Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
How do you know when the moon is broke?
When it's down to its last quarter.
Two neighbors, tired of the way traffic Fly's up and down the street, planted hedges from their front doors to the curb
on each side of the street. Then put signs saying Slow please Nudist crossing.
The last time I was someone’s type … I was donating blood.
An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.
And carried it to a table of friends.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind
“hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Australian man wakes up in the hospital.........
Man: "Doctor, was I brought here to die ?"
Doctor: "No, you were brought here yester-die."
How did the vampire end up in an insane asylum?
He had turned batty.
On a fishing trip, my father told my 5-year-old brother that it was time he learned to bait his own hook
and then left him to figure it out. When he returned, my dad found my brother holding a fishing hook
in one hand and staring at a squirming worm in the other. "What are you doing?" Dad asked.
My brother, nodded toward the worm, quietly answered, "I'm waiting for him to open his mouth."
I was teasing my girlfriend about her weight, and she got really offended.
I told her to lighten up.
My wife sued for divorce................
She said it was because I couldn't get an erection.
I had hard evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I used to have chronic diarrhea.......
but now I've got my shit together.
I told a contortionist I didn't think much of his act.
He got all bent out of shape.
I was talking to my grandfather, and he said to me you know when I came here
all I had was a sack on my back now look see all them shops over there I own them, see all the factories up there I own them!
I said, gee grandad what did you have in the sack? He said,4 million dollars!!!
My wife said, you only want sex when you’re drunk
I said, that’s not true sometimes I want a steak!!
Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today, he asked us what seems to be the problem?
I said well Dolly Parton here thinks I’m too sarcastic !
My father was born a conjoined twin we referred to him as our uncle on my father’s side ,
until they were surgically separated then he was our uncle once removed!!
A guy says to Linda’s husband what would you do if your wife cheated on you?
He replies, I’d throw his dog through the window and break his cane!
The guy says what dog? He says, if a guy sleeps with my wife, he must be blind!!!
Puerto Rico, the District of Columbia, and Guam as states.
53 is a prime number.
Then we can truly be one nation, indivisible.
Got a new job...... as a guillotine operator.
I'll beheading there soon.
While hiking with a friend......
Me : I just saw a wolf !!
Friend : Where?
Me : No, the regular kind.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF @iFib
Why do fat women defy the laws of gravity?
The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.
Dr Martin V Nostrand was nearly switched at birth
at the hospital. Fortunately they caught his mom in the act.
What did Neal Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?
"I guess you had to be there."
How do you know when the moon is broke?
When it's down to its last quarter.
Two neighbors, tired of the way traffic Fly's up and down the street, planted hedges from their front doors to the curb
on each side of the street. Then put signs saying Slow please Nudist crossing.
The last time I was someone’s type … I was donating blood.
An attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.
And carried it to a table of friends.
Have you ever noticed the irony behind
“hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Australian man wakes up in the hospital.........
Man: "Doctor, was I brought here to die ?"
Doctor: "No, you were brought here yester-die."
How did the vampire end up in an insane asylum?
He had turned batty.
On a fishing trip, my father told my 5-year-old brother that it was time he learned to bait his own hook
and then left him to figure it out. When he returned, my dad found my brother holding a fishing hook
in one hand and staring at a squirming worm in the other. "What are you doing?" Dad asked.
My brother, nodded toward the worm, quietly answered, "I'm waiting for him to open his mouth."
I was teasing my girlfriend about her weight, and she got really offended.
I told her to lighten up.
My wife sued for divorce................
She said it was because I couldn't get an erection.
I had hard evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.
I used to have chronic diarrhea.......
but now I've got my shit together.
I told a contortionist I didn't think much of his act.
He got all bent out of shape.
I was talking to my grandfather, and he said to me you know when I came here
all I had was a sack on my back now look see all them shops over there I own them, see all the factories up there I own them!
I said, gee grandad what did you have in the sack? He said,4 million dollars!!!
My wife said, you only want sex when you’re drunk
I said, that’s not true sometimes I want a steak!!
Me and my flat chested wife went to see a marriage counsellor today, he asked us what seems to be the problem?
I said well Dolly Parton here thinks I’m too sarcastic !
My father was born a conjoined twin we referred to him as our uncle on my father’s side ,
until they were surgically separated then he was our uncle once removed!!
A guy says to Linda’s husband what would you do if your wife cheated on you?
He replies, I’d throw his dog through the window and break his cane!
The guy says what dog? He says, if a guy sleeps with my wife, he must be blind!!!
Puerto Rico, the District of Columbia, and Guam as states.
53 is a prime number.
Then we can truly be one nation, indivisible.
Got a new job...... as a guillotine operator.
I'll beheading there soon.
While hiking with a friend......
Me : I just saw a wolf !!
Friend : Where?
Me : No, the regular kind.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF @iFib
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