Boss told me I am the worst train driver ever...
He shouted, " do you know how many times you've derailed this year?
I said " No, it's hard to keep track. "
Met a girl at the bar................
After awhile, she promised to show me a good time.
When we left, she ran 100 meters in 6.3 seconds.
My girlfriend got a shitty haircut..... and has been sitting around all weekend, crying.
Don't know what she's crying about.
I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend.
Got a thumbs up on the prostrate exam today.....
Two blondes enter a bus. ?“Hey, does this take me to the train station?” asks the first one.?
“Nope,” said the driver.?Other blonde asks, “What about me?”
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
.........................................New Jersey. I'm in New Jersey.
I don't like being bald, so I bought a wig.
It's a look anyone can pull off.
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like a tampon?
You're in a good place but at the wrong time
A 15 year old girl goes out with her friends
She says to her mom: "Mom! I'm going out with my friends." Mom: "OK, don't forget to wear protection" Her:
"Mom, I'm 15!" Mom: "I'm 30"
What did an out of money hooker ask her friend?
"Can you lend me $20 until I'm on my back again?"
I’ve never been lucky with the ladies although I
once met a feminist prostitute who insisted on paying half.
Why is it called a dad bod and not a father figure?
An Uber is cruising down a street when it runs a
red light. "Hey!" the passenger shouts. "Be careful!"
"Don't worry," says the driver. "My brother does it all the time."
He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, "Stop doing that!"
"I'm telling you, my brother does this all the time."
They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes.
The confused passenger asks, "You just ran two red lights, why'd you stop at a green?"
"I had to," says the driver. "My brother might have been coming."
The thing about the rat race is, even if you win, you're still a rat.
- Lily Tomlin
I've asked many people what LGBTQ stands for.
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
What's the difference between a nail stylist and a hair stylist?
One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs
Next week has been designated as "National Diarrhea Awareness Week."
It runs all week.
A wife is cute when she is mute.
A husband is called honey when he gives her money.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF @iFib
He shouted, " do you know how many times you've derailed this year?
I said " No, it's hard to keep track. "
Met a girl at the bar................
After awhile, she promised to show me a good time.
When we left, she ran 100 meters in 6.3 seconds.
My girlfriend got a shitty haircut..... and has been sitting around all weekend, crying.
Don't know what she's crying about.
I'm the one that has to find a new girlfriend.
Got a thumbs up on the prostrate exam today.....
Two blondes enter a bus. ?“Hey, does this take me to the train station?” asks the first one.?
“Nope,” said the driver.?Other blonde asks, “What about me?”
My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now
.........................................New Jersey. I'm in New Jersey.
I don't like being bald, so I bought a wig.
It's a look anyone can pull off.
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like a tampon?
You're in a good place but at the wrong time
A 15 year old girl goes out with her friends
She says to her mom: "Mom! I'm going out with my friends." Mom: "OK, don't forget to wear protection" Her:
"Mom, I'm 15!" Mom: "I'm 30"
What did an out of money hooker ask her friend?
"Can you lend me $20 until I'm on my back again?"
I’ve never been lucky with the ladies although I
once met a feminist prostitute who insisted on paying half.
Why is it called a dad bod and not a father figure?
An Uber is cruising down a street when it runs a
red light. "Hey!" the passenger shouts. "Be careful!"
"Don't worry," says the driver. "My brother does it all the time."
He barrels through the next red light, and the passenger screams, "Stop doing that!"
"I'm telling you, my brother does this all the time."
They approach the next light. Just when it turns green, the driver slams on the brakes.
The confused passenger asks, "You just ran two red lights, why'd you stop at a green?"
"I had to," says the driver. "My brother might have been coming."
The thing about the rat race is, even if you win, you're still a rat.
- Lily Tomlin
I've asked many people what LGBTQ stands for.
So far no one has given me a straight answer.
What's the difference between a nail stylist and a hair stylist?
One does hand jobs and one does blow jobs
Next week has been designated as "National Diarrhea Awareness Week."
It runs all week.
A wife is cute when she is mute.
A husband is called honey when he gives her money.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF @iFib
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