Election Day is When MAGA Does What They Do Best
Friday, November 10th, 2023
Tommy Tuberville celebrated the United States Marine Corps’ 248th birthday by continuing to hold up numerous Marines’ promotions, for he is a great big pile of shit.
https://showercapblog.com/election-day-is-whe...y-do-best/
Well, my efforts to escape into an alternate reality where James Comey kept his ego in check have yet to bear fruit, so I suppose I may as well chronicle the insanity in this one. Where I’m trapped. With the dumbest, craziest, shittiest motherfuckers in human history.
In lieu of a policy platform, the Dotard ‘24 campaign has been working up a list of revenge targets for his weaponized DoJ to persecute, including, but hardly limited to: Mark Milley, John Kelly, whoever cut him out of Home Alone 2 in Canada, Bill Barr, Ty Cobb, and every single person who beheld photographic evidence of his poorly attended inauguration. Curiously absent from this enemies list are those most deserving of retaliation: his tailor and his barber. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/...cond-term/
Seems Off-Brand Orbán spends most of his time these days either fondly reminiscing upon past abuses of power or fantasizing about abuses of power yet to come. No wonder he can’t endure ten minutes in the harsh reality of Judge Engoron’s courtroom without melting down like a prep school kid who just found out he has to rewrite a paper he got caught plagiarizing.
Other plans for a restored Turd Reich include invoking the Insurrection Act against dissenting protesters, and replacing the nixed Harriet Tubman $20 bill with currency bearing the warped rictus of Libs of TikTok’s Chaya Raichik posing with the USA Today headline about all the bomb threats she inspires.
Oh, and Tucker Carlson will be Vice President, because I guess we’re skipping the boring parts of the Book of Revelation.
The self-proclaimed Party of Losers https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4300949...24-debate/ LARPed another “presidential debate,” because it’s not like Chris Christie has anywhere else to be. The closest thing to actual news generated by this pointless pomposity pageant was the shocking revelation that Tim Scott’s Canadian girlfriend actually exists.
Otherwise, Nikki Haley called Vivek Ramaswamy a “turd-gargling taint blister,” earning the rare “Geppetto checkmark” from Washington Post fact-checkers, and the fast fading Ron DeSantis once again came up short in his pursuit of the ever-elusive human smile.
I guess as long as Asa Hutchinson can escape campaign events with his life, he’s technically still running, too. And if any self-loathing political junkie honestly wants to click on a headline like “Burgum pens op-ed to defend his continued candidacy,” well, who am I to stand in their way?
…but the primary’s over, folks.
Well, House Republicans had barely a week to enjoy that new Speaker smell before they drove the government right back into their favorite ditch, pulling two spending bills at the last minute as a shutdown looms.
Of course, it hardly helps that Mike Johnson’s attention has been split between governing the nation and monitoring his son’s pornography intake with an app, which you’ll agree is an exceptionally normal thing to do.
https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politic...234870634/
One shudders contemplating the Johnson family porn search history. Puritans self-flagellating while dry-humping dinosaurs atop smallpox blankets on the deck of Noah’s Ark, that sort of thing.
https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/10/every...ke-johnson
Apparently, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s been tromping around the Capitol in a snit, screaming LAUREN BOEBERT IS A WHOOOOOOOOOORE at anyone who happens by, because her colleagues coalesced around a rival motion to censure Rashida Tlaib. Wow. Who would’ve imagined the woman who thought wildfires were caused by immense, Jewish-owned lasers stationed in outer space would turn out to be so emotionally unstable?
Turns out Imperial Impeachment Inquisitor James Comer’s own “shady business practices”
https://www.thedailybeast.com/james-comer-lik...dollar200k
are indistinguishable from the notorious Biden family crime syndicate’s, right down to the specific dollar amounts of the so-called “loans” to alleged “brothers.” Luckily for Jimmy, it’s a post-shame party/cult that’s enabled his ascent, so he’s still free to pester the families of Hamas’ victims while the House GOP moves their hearings behind closed doors to shield themselves from further public humiliation.
Wyoming Congressdolt Harriet Hageman went on Newsmax to claim pro-Palestine protests are a plot backed by all-purpose bogeyman George Soros, because God really enjoys making liberals say “I sure do miss having Liz Cheney in Congress!”
Speaking of the telltale intellect of the bigot, Indianapolis’ Ruba Almaghtheh accidentally perpetrated a terrorist attack on fellow anti-Semites because she was too fucking stupid and lazy to do a quick google search before driving her car into a building she believed to be a Jewish school. https://fox59.com/news/indy-police-arrest-ter...ate-group/
Tommy Tuberville celebrated the United States Marine Corps’ 248th birthday by continuing to hold up numerous Marines’ promotions, for he is a great big pile of shit.
Domestic terrorists can rest easy knowing they’ve got a friend in the United States Congress. Yes, gun violence truther/coronavirus magnet Clay Higgins penned a letter vouching for the “good character, faith, and core principles” of crowbar-wielding Capitol rioter Ryan Nichols, whose hobbies include talking about himself in the third person and assaulting police officers with chemical spray. Well, if anyone exemplifies “good character,” it’s Clay.
https://www.nola.com/news/politics/clay-higgi...fb8d7.html
Hoping to claw back some of the money they lost on a book targeted at rage-addled illiterates, Mark Meadows’ publisher is suing him for, and make sure you’re near a fainting couch, lying about the 2020 election. Similar lawsuits are expected from the producer of John Eastman’s autobiographical rock opera, and the fiddler from freak-folk four-piece Sidney Powell and the Big Lie.
Apparently, Peter Thiel won’t be financing 2024’s crop of Herschel Walkers and Blake Masterses, because he’s planning on converting all his wealth into quarters, building a giant pyramid out of them, and having himself cryogenically frozen inside. Unless he figures out how to turn himself into an elf first. A Tolkein elf, not a Keebler one. I think. Either way, I hope you’ve still got free articles left at The Atlantic this month, because Pete is 31 flavors of cray-cray, and this profile is fuckin’ wiiiiiiiiiiiiiild.
Good news for insufferable fake progressives who prioritize self-aggrandizing social media posturing over actual human suffering: Jill Stein’s back! 2016 Stein voters still get annual thank-you cards from Syrian Kurds, I’m told.
ANYWAY
Given the fuckery n’ madness documented in the preceding paragraphs, (and indeed in the preceding six and a half years of this blog) it brings me great pleasure to report that the Coalition of the Decent unleashed yet another can of electoral whoop-ass on MAGA nation, leaving Republicans scrambling to understand why voters yet again rejected their proffered shit sandwich.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/08/briefing/d...-drug.html
I, for one, would like to thank THE CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED ABORTION ARMY MOBILIZED BY BARBIE, TAYLOR SWIFT for our victories Tuesday. Couldn’t’ve done it withoutcha, abortion army.
https://www.businessinsider.com/far-right-bla...es-2023-11
Yes, Team Democracy is Good, Actually (Also We Are Not Maniacs) notched wins all over the place, from the Kentucky governorship to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court to the New Jersey legislature. Don’t forget the abortion rights ballot measure in Ohio, though of course Republicans have not yet abandoned hope of concocting some trickery or other to nullify the electorate’s clearly expressed will.
https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politic...234875333/
Oh, and we flipped the Virginia state House and held the Senate. Glenn Youngkin turned out to be one of those overrated prospects who ultimately couldn’t handle big league pitching, but at least he’ll have all those sad, desperate Glenn Will Surely Save Us thinkpieces to keep him warm through the lame duck years.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/04/opinion/su...ction.html
And, as everyone knows, every time a wingnut loses an election, an angel gets a donut, but when a community rejects a Moms For Liberty school board candidate, it’s a maple-glazed long john with a big ol’ slab of bacon on top. I figure it’s probably best if folks who call the cops on librarians https://popular.info/p/moms-for-liberty-members-call-the aren’t consulted on what our children are taught. Plus, it’s okay, angels don’t have arteries to harden.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2023...r-liberty/
Well now I want a donut. And a beer.
Friday, November 10th, 2023
Tommy Tuberville celebrated the United States Marine Corps’ 248th birthday by continuing to hold up numerous Marines’ promotions, for he is a great big pile of shit.
https://showercapblog.com/election-day-is-whe...y-do-best/
Well, my efforts to escape into an alternate reality where James Comey kept his ego in check have yet to bear fruit, so I suppose I may as well chronicle the insanity in this one. Where I’m trapped. With the dumbest, craziest, shittiest motherfuckers in human history.
In lieu of a policy platform, the Dotard ‘24 campaign has been working up a list of revenge targets for his weaponized DoJ to persecute, including, but hardly limited to: Mark Milley, John Kelly, whoever cut him out of Home Alone 2 in Canada, Bill Barr, Ty Cobb, and every single person who beheld photographic evidence of his poorly attended inauguration. Curiously absent from this enemies list are those most deserving of retaliation: his tailor and his barber. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/...cond-term/
Seems Off-Brand Orbán spends most of his time these days either fondly reminiscing upon past abuses of power or fantasizing about abuses of power yet to come. No wonder he can’t endure ten minutes in the harsh reality of Judge Engoron’s courtroom without melting down like a prep school kid who just found out he has to rewrite a paper he got caught plagiarizing.
Other plans for a restored Turd Reich include invoking the Insurrection Act against dissenting protesters, and replacing the nixed Harriet Tubman $20 bill with currency bearing the warped rictus of Libs of TikTok’s Chaya Raichik posing with the USA Today headline about all the bomb threats she inspires.
Oh, and Tucker Carlson will be Vice President, because I guess we’re skipping the boring parts of the Book of Revelation.
The self-proclaimed Party of Losers https://thehill.com/homenews/campaign/4300949...24-debate/ LARPed another “presidential debate,” because it’s not like Chris Christie has anywhere else to be. The closest thing to actual news generated by this pointless pomposity pageant was the shocking revelation that Tim Scott’s Canadian girlfriend actually exists.
Otherwise, Nikki Haley called Vivek Ramaswamy a “turd-gargling taint blister,” earning the rare “Geppetto checkmark” from Washington Post fact-checkers, and the fast fading Ron DeSantis once again came up short in his pursuit of the ever-elusive human smile.
I guess as long as Asa Hutchinson can escape campaign events with his life, he’s technically still running, too. And if any self-loathing political junkie honestly wants to click on a headline like “Burgum pens op-ed to defend his continued candidacy,” well, who am I to stand in their way?
…but the primary’s over, folks.
Well, House Republicans had barely a week to enjoy that new Speaker smell before they drove the government right back into their favorite ditch, pulling two spending bills at the last minute as a shutdown looms.
Of course, it hardly helps that Mike Johnson’s attention has been split between governing the nation and monitoring his son’s pornography intake with an app, which you’ll agree is an exceptionally normal thing to do.
https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politic...234870634/
One shudders contemplating the Johnson family porn search history. Puritans self-flagellating while dry-humping dinosaurs atop smallpox blankets on the deck of Noah’s Ark, that sort of thing.
https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/10/every...ke-johnson
Apparently, Marjorie Taylor Greene’s been tromping around the Capitol in a snit, screaming LAUREN BOEBERT IS A WHOOOOOOOOOORE at anyone who happens by, because her colleagues coalesced around a rival motion to censure Rashida Tlaib. Wow. Who would’ve imagined the woman who thought wildfires were caused by immense, Jewish-owned lasers stationed in outer space would turn out to be so emotionally unstable?
Turns out Imperial Impeachment Inquisitor James Comer’s own “shady business practices”
https://www.thedailybeast.com/james-comer-lik...dollar200k
are indistinguishable from the notorious Biden family crime syndicate’s, right down to the specific dollar amounts of the so-called “loans” to alleged “brothers.” Luckily for Jimmy, it’s a post-shame party/cult that’s enabled his ascent, so he’s still free to pester the families of Hamas’ victims while the House GOP moves their hearings behind closed doors to shield themselves from further public humiliation.
Wyoming Congressdolt Harriet Hageman went on Newsmax to claim pro-Palestine protests are a plot backed by all-purpose bogeyman George Soros, because God really enjoys making liberals say “I sure do miss having Liz Cheney in Congress!”
Speaking of the telltale intellect of the bigot, Indianapolis’ Ruba Almaghtheh accidentally perpetrated a terrorist attack on fellow anti-Semites because she was too fucking stupid and lazy to do a quick google search before driving her car into a building she believed to be a Jewish school. https://fox59.com/news/indy-police-arrest-ter...ate-group/
Tommy Tuberville celebrated the United States Marine Corps’ 248th birthday by continuing to hold up numerous Marines’ promotions, for he is a great big pile of shit.
Domestic terrorists can rest easy knowing they’ve got a friend in the United States Congress. Yes, gun violence truther/coronavirus magnet Clay Higgins penned a letter vouching for the “good character, faith, and core principles” of crowbar-wielding Capitol rioter Ryan Nichols, whose hobbies include talking about himself in the third person and assaulting police officers with chemical spray. Well, if anyone exemplifies “good character,” it’s Clay.
https://www.nola.com/news/politics/clay-higgi...fb8d7.html
Hoping to claw back some of the money they lost on a book targeted at rage-addled illiterates, Mark Meadows’ publisher is suing him for, and make sure you’re near a fainting couch, lying about the 2020 election. Similar lawsuits are expected from the producer of John Eastman’s autobiographical rock opera, and the fiddler from freak-folk four-piece Sidney Powell and the Big Lie.
Apparently, Peter Thiel won’t be financing 2024’s crop of Herschel Walkers and Blake Masterses, because he’s planning on converting all his wealth into quarters, building a giant pyramid out of them, and having himself cryogenically frozen inside. Unless he figures out how to turn himself into an elf first. A Tolkein elf, not a Keebler one. I think. Either way, I hope you’ve still got free articles left at The Atlantic this month, because Pete is 31 flavors of cray-cray, and this profile is fuckin’ wiiiiiiiiiiiiiild.
Good news for insufferable fake progressives who prioritize self-aggrandizing social media posturing over actual human suffering: Jill Stein’s back! 2016 Stein voters still get annual thank-you cards from Syrian Kurds, I’m told.
ANYWAY
Given the fuckery n’ madness documented in the preceding paragraphs, (and indeed in the preceding six and a half years of this blog) it brings me great pleasure to report that the Coalition of the Decent unleashed yet another can of electoral whoop-ass on MAGA nation, leaving Republicans scrambling to understand why voters yet again rejected their proffered shit sandwich.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/08/briefing/d...-drug.html
I, for one, would like to thank THE CHILDLESS, UNMARRIED ABORTION ARMY MOBILIZED BY BARBIE, TAYLOR SWIFT for our victories Tuesday. Couldn’t’ve done it withoutcha, abortion army.
https://www.businessinsider.com/far-right-bla...es-2023-11
Yes, Team Democracy is Good, Actually (Also We Are Not Maniacs) notched wins all over the place, from the Kentucky governorship to the Pennsylvania Supreme Court to the New Jersey legislature. Don’t forget the abortion rights ballot measure in Ohio, though of course Republicans have not yet abandoned hope of concocting some trickery or other to nullify the electorate’s clearly expressed will.
https://www.rollingstone.com/politics/politic...234875333/
Oh, and we flipped the Virginia state House and held the Senate. Glenn Youngkin turned out to be one of those overrated prospects who ultimately couldn’t handle big league pitching, but at least he’ll have all those sad, desperate Glenn Will Surely Save Us thinkpieces to keep him warm through the lame duck years.
https://www.nytimes.com/2023/11/04/opinion/su...ction.html
And, as everyone knows, every time a wingnut loses an election, an angel gets a donut, but when a community rejects a Moms For Liberty school board candidate, it’s a maple-glazed long john with a big ol’ slab of bacon on top. I figure it’s probably best if folks who call the cops on librarians https://popular.info/p/moms-for-liberty-members-call-the aren’t consulted on what our children are taught. Plus, it’s okay, angels don’t have arteries to harden.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/education/2023...r-liberty/
Well now I want a donut. And a beer.
