Joni Hates Tommy, and Other Underappreciated Happy Days Spinoffs
Friday, November 3rd, 2023
by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal
https://showercapblog.com/joni-hates-tommy-an...-spinoffs/
I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got pelted with rocks till he ran away. The little girl in the Nancy Mace costume was particularly exuberant.
Creationist weirdo Mike Johnson officially launched his speakership by taking the Israel aid package hostage in order to blow up the deficit for the benefit of wealthy tax cheats, because why shouldn’t the GOP’s donor class profit from the largest mass murder of Jews since the Holocaust?
Mike also hired Fox’s Big Lie fall guy, Raj Shah, to run caucus comms, because no one who hadn’t cost their previous employer $787 million applied for the gig, I guess.
https://www.cnn.com/2023/06/09/media/fox-raj-...index.html
Still, after weeks of paralysis, MJ’s got the House up and running again, addressing the issues that matter most to the American public. Biden administration officials ain’t gonna reduce their own salaries to a dollar, y’know. Next on the docket: revenge on th’gays for causing the fall of the Roman Empire.
International moron of mystery George Santos survived an expulsion vote, largely because Republicans’re worried they’ll accidentally impeach Sean Hannity if their majority gets any narrower.
Why, they weren’t even able to pass the Jewish space laser lady’s resolution censuring Rashida Tlaib for the high crime of Speaking While Muslim. Absorbing defeat with her customary grace, Marj railed against all the squishy RINO cucks, with their vaping and their groping, who would rather get freaky at Beetlejuice than assassinate Nancy Pelosi.
After all these months of chaos and dysfunction, you’re no doubt thinking to yourself, “this looks like a job for Trent Franks!” because some problems can only be solved by a great big creep. Like the deficit, for example. See, when a Congressman offers a staffer $5 million to bear his child, that bribe is actually taxed at an exorbitant rate, under the Skeevy Old Man Act of 1855. https://apnews.com/article/arizona-congress-t...a15ded3ef0
In the subterranean tunnels where the moderate morlocks dwell, legends tell of Ken Buck, a man of such unshakable principle that he once stood athwart the tide of madness that had overtaken his party for something like five and half days before capitulating completely. Immediately following his epic near-week of valorousness, Ken decided to flee Congress altogether, lest he be called upon to actually stand for something a second time.
Demonstrating uncharacteristic good judgment, Mike Pence suspended his “presidential campaign” rather than risk lynching for the right to arm-wrestle Doug Burgum for half a delegate in Iowa. I’m sure Pence still has a bright future ahead of him, breaking into hotel rooms to scratch out the naughty bits in the bedside Bibles.
Elsewhere in the Race for Second Place, Ron DeSantis issued an urgent call for donations to fund the even-higher heels he’ll soon require to see over Nikki Haley as he shrinks ever further into nothingness. History will remember Ron, to the extent he’s remembered at all, as an unusually short book-banner.
https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2023/1...s-00121044
In these polarized times, I think it’s important to focus, whenever possible, on the things that unite rather than divide us, and I believe there’s a real opportunity for Americans of all political persuasions to come together over our shared disdain for Tommy Tuberville.
Like, much to my surprise, I found myself cheering on Joni Ernst of all people, watching her rip Tommy’s asshole out through his left nostril on the Senate floor. Is this what bipartisanship feels like? I tell you what, I’m gonna give hog castration another look. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/...ould-mean/
Despite the abovementioned sphincterectomy, Tuberville had a message for General Eric Smith, the Marine Corps commandant who’s currently hospitalized following a heart attack after weeks of overwork due to a certain human drain clog’s petulance: “Suck it up, buttercup! Runnin’ a branch of the U.S. military can’t be any harder than coachin’ football, and look at the smooth-brained dipshits they hire to do that!”
https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/11/tommy...art-attack
Speaking of wingnut Senators getting spanked, preening lickspittle Josh Hawley’s attempt to generate Fox Nooz content at Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas’ expense didn’t go as planned. Haven’t seen Josh so eager to escape the consequences of his own shitty behavior since the Capitol Riot.
For assaulting police officers during said riot, former Turd Reich State Department official Federico Klein was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison, where he hopes to join the musical recording group fronted by cognitive test-passing sexual assaulter Donald J. Trump, which is already way, way bigger than Taylor Swift.
On the white-collar side of the insurrection, John Eastman was found “culpable for ethics breaches,” a big step towards disbarment and potentially joining the cooperating witness firm of Powell, Chesebro, Ellis & Hall.
Eric Trump wildly exceeded expectations when he took the stand in the family grift’s corporate death penalty trial this week, for though he pitched a fit and got caught in several lies and likely blew the entire case, he somehow managed to get through two days of testimony without eating a single booger.
Elsewhere on the legal front this week, the Dotard saw one gag order reinstated, then paused, and another expanded to include his dirtbag lawyers. Princess Ivanka’s bid to get out of testifying “because motherhood” flopped. Oh, and “Claim About Trump’s ‘Small’ Genital Organ Going All The Way To Supreme Court,” I’m told.
https://www.mediaite.com/news/claim-about-tru...this-week/
There’s a war on Halloween in this country, y’know. No one says “trick or treat” anymore, just this politically correct “you must not engage in any of these practices of the occult…there is legit darkness that can be channeled…don’t even play around with it” shit from wokesters like Charlie Kirk.
https://www.mediamatters.org/charlie-kirk/cha...not-fan-it
At the same time, we should be honest about what happens at the other extreme. I’m ashamed to admit I wasn’t even aware of the scourge of young fathers using this pagan holiday as an excuse to spend time with their children until I heard about it from Jesse Watters.
Of course, so much of the news lately is just…hate. Anti-Semitism and Islamophobia. From the Right and the Left. And I don’t know how to deal with it here. Maybe a just a litany of atrocity?
Well, there was the lynch mob at the Russian airport and all the shit going down on college campuses across the nation and oh yeah somebody hacked a highway sign in Georgia to read “Heil Hitler” and Jesse Watters and Mark Levin were predictably awful and then there’s United States Representative Brian Mast proclaiming, on the floor of the House, that all Palestinians are basically Nazis and therefore permissible to exterminate.
https://www.mediaite.com/politics/gop-lawmake...-to-nazis/
Good lord.
Yeah, it’s a lot. And it’s disheartening. And I don’t know what the answer is, beyond the continued vigilant citizenship of decent people like yourself.
So stay safe out there, my friend; the world’s gonna need you at your best.
Friday, November 3rd, 2023
by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal
https://showercapblog.com/joni-hates-tommy-an...-spinoffs/
I hope your Halloween was as adorable as mine. All the neighborhood children dressed up as the House Republican Conference and played a musical chairs variant called “leadership election,” where the kid left standing became the “speaker-designate” and got pelted with rocks till he ran away. The little girl in the Nancy Mace costume was particularly exuberant.
Creationist weirdo Mike Johnson officially launched his speakership by taking the Israel aid package hostage in order to blow up the deficit for the benefit of wealthy tax cheats, because why shouldn’t the GOP’s donor class profit from the largest mass murder of Jews since the Holocaust?
Mike also hired Fox’s Big Lie fall guy, Raj Shah, to run caucus comms, because no one who hadn’t cost their previous employer $787 million applied for the gig, I guess.
https://www.cnn.com/2023/06/09/media/fox-raj-...index.html
Still, after weeks of paralysis, MJ’s got the House up and running again, addressing the issues that matter most to the American public. Biden administration officials ain’t gonna reduce their own salaries to a dollar, y’know. Next on the docket: revenge on th’gays for causing the fall of the Roman Empire.
International moron of mystery George Santos survived an expulsion vote, largely because Republicans’re worried they’ll accidentally impeach Sean Hannity if their majority gets any narrower.
Why, they weren’t even able to pass the Jewish space laser lady’s resolution censuring Rashida Tlaib for the high crime of Speaking While Muslim. Absorbing defeat with her customary grace, Marj railed against all the squishy RINO cucks, with their vaping and their groping, who would rather get freaky at Beetlejuice than assassinate Nancy Pelosi.
After all these months of chaos and dysfunction, you’re no doubt thinking to yourself, “this looks like a job for Trent Franks!” because some problems can only be solved by a great big creep. Like the deficit, for example. See, when a Congressman offers a staffer $5 million to bear his child, that bribe is actually taxed at an exorbitant rate, under the Skeevy Old Man Act of 1855. https://apnews.com/article/arizona-congress-t...a15ded3ef0
In the subterranean tunnels where the moderate morlocks dwell, legends tell of Ken Buck, a man of such unshakable principle that he once stood athwart the tide of madness that had overtaken his party for something like five and half days before capitulating completely. Immediately following his epic near-week of valorousness, Ken decided to flee Congress altogether, lest he be called upon to actually stand for something a second time.
Demonstrating uncharacteristic good judgment, Mike Pence suspended his “presidential campaign” rather than risk lynching for the right to arm-wrestle Doug Burgum for half a delegate in Iowa. I’m sure Pence still has a bright future ahead of him, breaking into hotel rooms to scratch out the naughty bits in the bedside Bibles.
Elsewhere in the Race for Second Place, Ron DeSantis issued an urgent call for donations to fund the even-higher heels he’ll soon require to see over Nikki Haley as he shrinks ever further into nothingness. History will remember Ron, to the extent he’s remembered at all, as an unusually short book-banner.
https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2023/1...s-00121044
In these polarized times, I think it’s important to focus, whenever possible, on the things that unite rather than divide us, and I believe there’s a real opportunity for Americans of all political persuasions to come together over our shared disdain for Tommy Tuberville.
Like, much to my surprise, I found myself cheering on Joni Ernst of all people, watching her rip Tommy’s asshole out through his left nostril on the Senate floor. Is this what bipartisanship feels like? I tell you what, I’m gonna give hog castration another look. https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2023/...ould-mean/
Despite the abovementioned sphincterectomy, Tuberville had a message for General Eric Smith, the Marine Corps commandant who’s currently hospitalized following a heart attack after weeks of overwork due to a certain human drain clog’s petulance: “Suck it up, buttercup! Runnin’ a branch of the U.S. military can’t be any harder than coachin’ football, and look at the smooth-brained dipshits they hire to do that!”
https://www.vanityfair.com/news/2023/11/tommy...art-attack
Speaking of wingnut Senators getting spanked, preening lickspittle Josh Hawley’s attempt to generate Fox Nooz content at Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas’ expense didn’t go as planned. Haven’t seen Josh so eager to escape the consequences of his own shitty behavior since the Capitol Riot.
For assaulting police officers during said riot, former Turd Reich State Department official Federico Klein was sentenced to 70 months in federal prison, where he hopes to join the musical recording group fronted by cognitive test-passing sexual assaulter Donald J. Trump, which is already way, way bigger than Taylor Swift.
On the white-collar side of the insurrection, John Eastman was found “culpable for ethics breaches,” a big step towards disbarment and potentially joining the cooperating witness firm of Powell, Chesebro, Ellis & Hall.
Eric Trump wildly exceeded expectations when he took the stand in the family grift’s corporate death penalty trial this week, for though he pitched a fit and got caught in several lies and likely blew the entire case, he somehow managed to get through two days of testimony without eating a single booger.
Elsewhere on the legal front this week, the Dotard saw one gag order reinstated, then paused, and another expanded to include his dirtbag lawyers. Princess Ivanka’s bid to get out of testifying “because motherhood” flopped. Oh, and “Claim About Trump’s ‘Small’ Genital Organ Going All The Way To Supreme Court,” I’m told.
https://www.mediaite.com/news/claim-about-tru...this-week/
There’s a war on Halloween in this country, y’know. No one says “trick or treat” anymore, just this politically correct “you must not engage in any of these practices of the occult…there is legit darkness that can be channeled…don’t even play around with it” shit from wokesters like Charlie Kirk.
https://www.mediamatters.org/charlie-kirk/cha...not-fan-it
At the same time, we should be honest about what happens at the other extreme. I’m ashamed to admit I wasn’t even aware of the scourge of young fathers using this pagan holiday as an excuse to spend time with their children until I heard about it from Jesse Watters.
Of course, so much of the news lately is just…hate. Anti-Semitism and Islamophobia. From the Right and the Left. And I don’t know how to deal with it here. Maybe a just a litany of atrocity?
Well, there was the lynch mob at the Russian airport and all the shit going down on college campuses across the nation and oh yeah somebody hacked a highway sign in Georgia to read “Heil Hitler” and Jesse Watters and Mark Levin were predictably awful and then there’s United States Representative Brian Mast proclaiming, on the floor of the House, that all Palestinians are basically Nazis and therefore permissible to exterminate.
https://www.mediaite.com/politics/gop-lawmake...-to-nazis/
Good lord.
Yeah, it’s a lot. And it’s disheartening. And I don’t know what the answer is, beyond the continued vigilant citizenship of decent people like yourself.
So stay safe out there, my friend; the world’s gonna need you at your best.
