Congratulations to Mike Johnson, America’s 56th and Creepiest House Speaker
Friday, October 27th, 2023
by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal | 0 comments
https://showercapblog.com/congratulations-to-...speaker-2/
Apparently, there’s a manifestly unwell man in an ill-fitting suit wandering into and periodically storming out of New York City courtrooms, shitting himself and screeching threats at judges and prosecutors, who, I am told, is the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.
Honestly, I wonder if he isn’t overstimulating his little death cult with so many targets; these are not people with the mental capacity to multitask. “Should I go after Judge Engoron, or his clerk? Mark Meadows has been granted immunity, but now I see Ivanka’s testifying, too. And what about ‘Maggot Hagerman?’ A nail gun’s only got so many nails, y’know.”
Ah well. Dogs gotta bark, fish gotta swim, wannabe autocrats gotta feed perceived enemies to the stochastic murder mob. With the gag order violation fines piling up so quickly, I hope the rubes’re ready to pony up for another round of NFTs, or perhaps a line of commemorative handcuffs.
When he’s not trying to get witnesses or members of the legal profession killed, Inmate P01135809 stays busy working up plans to pull out of NATO, (“Hungary, Turkey, who can keep ‘em straight?”) and blabbing our national secrets to every foreign billionaire who pays the Marm-a-Lago membership fee. If there ever was anything worth hiding in Area 51, it’s surely been dismembered with Saudi bone saws by now.
Anyway, I know I’ve been pretty hard on ol’ Donnie Dotard over the years, but now that I’ve had time to ruminate upon his revolutionary insight into the spelling of the word “us,” I confess I’m giving him another look. Maybe he’s the very stable genius America needs right now; this one time, he correctly identified a picture of a horsie.
Fani Willis’ collection of “21st century American traitors pleading guilty” Hummel figurines is coming along nicely, and I think the Sobbing Jenna Ellis looks just charming next to the De-Krakenized Sidney Powell and the Boy Howdy Did I Ever Fuck Up Kenneth Chesebro. Shoot, if the rumors are true, she’ll need a whole dedicated shelf soon.
Chaos in the House of Representatives escalated to the point where Republicans briefly elevated jug-band frontmuppet Emmet Otter to the post of Speaker-Designate, before…hang on, I’m receiving a correction…wait, what? What’s a “Tom Emmer?”
Never mind, doesn’t matter now, since, as Tim discovered, there’s nothing wingnuts enjoy more than overturning an election they lost. Proclaimed insufficiently disloyal to the U.S. Constitution and dubbed a “globalist RINO” by Off-Brand Orbán, he was swiftly sent packing to whatever sad, jug-bandless existence he previously led.
And thus concluded the Last Ride of the Moderates, as Ken Buck and co. decided that sticking to their stated principles for more than a week would be far too exhausting, so if anybody could dig up an insurrectionist who adhered to a more traditional dress code than Gym Jordan, they’d happily return to their natural, capitulatory state.
As if on cue, something called “Mike Johnson” emerged from the tank in the back of the meth lab lab where Matt Gaetz takes teenagers on dates. Cloned from crusty genetic material scraped off the manikin dressed like Ronald Reagan in Mike Pence’s basement, Johnson is the skeeviest little would-be theocrat you’ve never heard of.
An acolyte of faux historian David Barton, Mike’s one of those “bad things happen because God punishes people for disagreeing with me” types, who wants to criminalize gay sex and abortion, and espouses a diet, caffeine-free version of the Great Replacement Theory. Oh, and he was a leader of the conspiracy to end American democracy forever, almost forgot.
But since he doesn’t fling poo at the walls during hearings, the Buck/Bacon crowd imagines they can pass Johnson off as some kind of statesman. Good luck with that. You can shout down reporters asking inconvenient questions, but it won’t be long before your swing district incumbents have second thoughts about rallying behind an opposition researcher’s wettest possible dream. https://www.axios.com/2023/10/26/mike-johnson...ransgender
Still, America’ll be great again in no time with Mike in charge, with birthing vessels churnin’ out more than enough “able-bodied workers” to keep entitlement programs funded for years to come.
Baffling experts, somehow Sean Hannity’s extensive MMA training wasn’t enough to thwart the latest mass shooter’s murderous rampage, but I bet our shiny new Speaker’s prayers (and I found it refreshingly clarifying that Johnson didn’t bother to offer any “thoughts”) cleared the whole gun violence thing up once and for all.
Gotta get me one of them “Supreme Court Justice” gigs, cuz Clarence Thomas’ life looks pretty fuckin’ sweet, doesn’t it? Part-time job stripping women of their fundamental human rights, gets to spend the rest of his time just strolling around, pointing at stuff he wants his various billionaire sugar daddies to buy for him.
“I want an RV, Daddy!” And lo and behold, an RV appears in the driveway. My belief is that sending the entire Republican SCOTUS majority on a field trip to the Wonka factory would brighten the nation’s outlook considerably.
Blake Masters announced a run for Congress in Arizona’s 8th district, cheating America of the sublime obscenity of a primary face-off with Kari Lake. I’m beyond disappointed. Those debates would’ve been like outtakes from a Ken Russell movie. Set in a circus. Where the clowns like to throw up on one another. During sex acts.
Hard to tell if Elon’s more upset about his $44 billion toy’s plummeting usage metrics, or that statue of seditious loser Robert E. Lee getting melted down. I suppose we’d have to ask his new, teenaged, anti-Semitic BFF.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/202...n-georgia/
And Michigan state Rep. Rachelle Smit handed out participation trophies to a couple of shitbags from that plot to kidnap Governor Whitmer, in case anyone’s worried we aren’t normalizing domestic terrorism fast enough.
Well, I’m gonna grab a beer and sift through the rest of the Mike Johnson oppo dump. Gonna take at least a twelve-pack, I figure, so all beer donations are welcome.
Friday, October 27th, 2023
by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal | 0 comments
https://showercapblog.com/congratulations-to-...speaker-2/
Apparently, there’s a manifestly unwell man in an ill-fitting suit wandering into and periodically storming out of New York City courtrooms, shitting himself and screeching threats at judges and prosecutors, who, I am told, is the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.
Honestly, I wonder if he isn’t overstimulating his little death cult with so many targets; these are not people with the mental capacity to multitask. “Should I go after Judge Engoron, or his clerk? Mark Meadows has been granted immunity, but now I see Ivanka’s testifying, too. And what about ‘Maggot Hagerman?’ A nail gun’s only got so many nails, y’know.”
Ah well. Dogs gotta bark, fish gotta swim, wannabe autocrats gotta feed perceived enemies to the stochastic murder mob. With the gag order violation fines piling up so quickly, I hope the rubes’re ready to pony up for another round of NFTs, or perhaps a line of commemorative handcuffs.
When he’s not trying to get witnesses or members of the legal profession killed, Inmate P01135809 stays busy working up plans to pull out of NATO, (“Hungary, Turkey, who can keep ‘em straight?”) and blabbing our national secrets to every foreign billionaire who pays the Marm-a-Lago membership fee. If there ever was anything worth hiding in Area 51, it’s surely been dismembered with Saudi bone saws by now.
Anyway, I know I’ve been pretty hard on ol’ Donnie Dotard over the years, but now that I’ve had time to ruminate upon his revolutionary insight into the spelling of the word “us,” I confess I’m giving him another look. Maybe he’s the very stable genius America needs right now; this one time, he correctly identified a picture of a horsie.
Fani Willis’ collection of “21st century American traitors pleading guilty” Hummel figurines is coming along nicely, and I think the Sobbing Jenna Ellis looks just charming next to the De-Krakenized Sidney Powell and the Boy Howdy Did I Ever Fuck Up Kenneth Chesebro. Shoot, if the rumors are true, she’ll need a whole dedicated shelf soon.
Chaos in the House of Representatives escalated to the point where Republicans briefly elevated jug-band frontmuppet Emmet Otter to the post of Speaker-Designate, before…hang on, I’m receiving a correction…wait, what? What’s a “Tom Emmer?”
Never mind, doesn’t matter now, since, as Tim discovered, there’s nothing wingnuts enjoy more than overturning an election they lost. Proclaimed insufficiently disloyal to the U.S. Constitution and dubbed a “globalist RINO” by Off-Brand Orbán, he was swiftly sent packing to whatever sad, jug-bandless existence he previously led.
And thus concluded the Last Ride of the Moderates, as Ken Buck and co. decided that sticking to their stated principles for more than a week would be far too exhausting, so if anybody could dig up an insurrectionist who adhered to a more traditional dress code than Gym Jordan, they’d happily return to their natural, capitulatory state.
As if on cue, something called “Mike Johnson” emerged from the tank in the back of the meth lab lab where Matt Gaetz takes teenagers on dates. Cloned from crusty genetic material scraped off the manikin dressed like Ronald Reagan in Mike Pence’s basement, Johnson is the skeeviest little would-be theocrat you’ve never heard of.
An acolyte of faux historian David Barton, Mike’s one of those “bad things happen because God punishes people for disagreeing with me” types, who wants to criminalize gay sex and abortion, and espouses a diet, caffeine-free version of the Great Replacement Theory. Oh, and he was a leader of the conspiracy to end American democracy forever, almost forgot.
But since he doesn’t fling poo at the walls during hearings, the Buck/Bacon crowd imagines they can pass Johnson off as some kind of statesman. Good luck with that. You can shout down reporters asking inconvenient questions, but it won’t be long before your swing district incumbents have second thoughts about rallying behind an opposition researcher’s wettest possible dream. https://www.axios.com/2023/10/26/mike-johnson...ransgender
Still, America’ll be great again in no time with Mike in charge, with birthing vessels churnin’ out more than enough “able-bodied workers” to keep entitlement programs funded for years to come.
Baffling experts, somehow Sean Hannity’s extensive MMA training wasn’t enough to thwart the latest mass shooter’s murderous rampage, but I bet our shiny new Speaker’s prayers (and I found it refreshingly clarifying that Johnson didn’t bother to offer any “thoughts”) cleared the whole gun violence thing up once and for all.
Gotta get me one of them “Supreme Court Justice” gigs, cuz Clarence Thomas’ life looks pretty fuckin’ sweet, doesn’t it? Part-time job stripping women of their fundamental human rights, gets to spend the rest of his time just strolling around, pointing at stuff he wants his various billionaire sugar daddies to buy for him.
“I want an RV, Daddy!” And lo and behold, an RV appears in the driveway. My belief is that sending the entire Republican SCOTUS majority on a field trip to the Wonka factory would brighten the nation’s outlook considerably.
Blake Masters announced a run for Congress in Arizona’s 8th district, cheating America of the sublime obscenity of a primary face-off with Kari Lake. I’m beyond disappointed. Those debates would’ve been like outtakes from a Ken Russell movie. Set in a circus. Where the clowns like to throw up on one another. During sex acts.
Hard to tell if Elon’s more upset about his $44 billion toy’s plummeting usage metrics, or that statue of seditious loser Robert E. Lee getting melted down. I suppose we’d have to ask his new, teenaged, anti-Semitic BFF.
https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/202...n-georgia/
And Michigan state Rep. Rachelle Smit handed out participation trophies to a couple of shitbags from that plot to kidnap Governor Whitmer, in case anyone’s worried we aren’t normalizing domestic terrorism fast enough.
Well, I’m gonna grab a beer and sift through the rest of the Mike Johnson oppo dump. Gonna take at least a twelve-pack, I figure, so all beer donations are welcome.
