Yeah, Exactly Like Jesus
Friday, April 7th, 2023
by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal | 0 comments
https://showercapblog.com/yeah-exactly-like-jesus/
I write tonight’s post from the roof of my apartment building, awaiting FEMA rescue, in the aftermath of the deluge of think pieces n’ hot takes about the strength of Alvin Bragg’s case. Feeling good about my decision to gouge my eyes out to spare myself further punditry. Please send beer.
Yes, America spent a day and a half watching that goony little doofus fly from Florida to New York to get arrested, and then we yelled at the television for showing it to us, for we are a nation of assholes, and Donald Trump was sent to plague us, by some sort of cosmic Greek tragedian.
He didn’t get the long, slow, martyr march he wanted, (Melania wouldn’t let him use any of the good tiaras anyway) just courtroom sketches and a couple photos where he looks scared. You can buy a shirt with a fake mugshot on it, though. That’s a shirt you can buy, so everyone around you will know what a dipshit you are. It’s like a MAGA hat, but a shirt.
Republicans, from the highest halls of power to the Appalachianest diners of Real America, rallied obsequiously to their precious, fading game show host, because they don’t know how to do anything else anymore. Well, stay on the sinking ship, fellas. Lifeboats are for cucks.
Lindsey Graham is organizing a bake sale for next Sunday, or maybe an insurrection, I couldn’t make it out through the blubbering. Jim Jordan wants to know if it’s possible to defund the rule of law all at once, or if it’d be easier to go agency by agency? And of course, George Santos was there.
Anyway, the Dotard is basically Jesus, and/or Nelson Mandela, like Marjorie Taylor Greene says. I feel like Nelson Mandela’s social media posts wouldn’t be quite so racist. I’m not saying Jesus’ would be, mind you. I bet both of them would immediately grasp that a cognitive test doesn’t measure intelligence, though.
You don’t get any more Christlike than MAGA, that’s for sure. For He did circulate amongst His followers the likeness of the daughter of the judge in His porn star hush money case, that they might menace her with hammers and bear spray and perhaps the odd nail gun.
No riot this time, which is great for all sorts of reasons. The more headlines like “Lone MAGA supporter awaits Trump in New York, fears antifa” the better. (I had to work that one in because it’s perfect and I love it. Say it out loud. Honor the comma. Really linger.)
Marj was on 60 Minutes, by the way, which I guess means she’s normalized now. I dunno, I’m not sure how normal you can make someone who rants about Jewish space lasers, but it’s something else to be mad about, if you’re hard up for shit to be mad about.
Word on the street is, Kevin McCarthy can’t corral his feral caucus ahead of the approaching debt ceiling collision, but that’s unpossible, Kevin am the leaderest leader who ever led!
In Tennessee, the Republican supermajority, which has been on a proto-fascist bender for some time now, expelled a pair of young, Black, Democratic state representatives, for Unconscionable Uppityness in Defense of Children’s Lives, which is not allowed in Tennessee.
Tennessee Republicans appear to’ve bitten off a bit more than they can chew here, so I imagine we’ll be hearing more in days to come. Get ready to be the bad guys in the next wave of books Florida bans, boys!
In addition to getting indicted on 34 felony charges, Donald Trump tried and failed to hire Laura Loomer this week, which is fairly embarrassing. In protest, Loomer handcuffed herself to…something, probably.
Oh, and apparently, DoJ has evidence he personally rifled through the purloined classified docs to pull out the stuff he really wanted, which, sure, probably means the surveillance photos of Mike Pence’s heartrendingly abnormal masturbation breaks in the West Wing powder room, but might be nuclear secrets for all anybody knows.
Desperate to revive his fast-fading presidential hopes, and running out of children’s books about civil rights heroes to ban, Ron DeSantis has apparently decided to lose a few more rounds to Disney. That oughta do the trick. Another excellent plan from the party of excellent plans.
That six week abortion ban he’s cooking up’ll play real well, too, because Wisconsin doesn’t exist, I guess, though if it did exist, there certainly wasn’t an election there this week.
I’d like to thank Daniel Kelly for losing so badly, by which I mean both the 11-point margin and the thumb-suckingly petulant concession speech. You’re a credit to your party, Dan.
Eleven points, in what may be the tightest swing state in the country. Hey, if these creeps need a few more election cycles to learn this lesson, that’s probably best for everyone involved. Kansas doesn’t exist either, Ron. You’re doin’ great, kid.
Tommy Tuberville, who can barely fucking read, is single-handedly holding up more than 180 nominations at the Department of Defense, because he feels the women serving our country in uniform have too many rights.
Republicans’re all over that women-having-rights thing. You’d never believe this was the same party that had no policy platform whatsoever last presidential election; these days they’re positively overflowing with ideas for new abortion restrictions. They’re really quite creative and industrious when they want to be.
So, Bud Light partnered with a transgender influencer, and a bunch of losers threw that fit they throw when they’re confronted with a world that refuses to pander to their personal prejudices. Yeah, the one where they destroy their own property, and post videos online. I don’t get it either. “Take THAT, thing I paid for!” I’m told it’s some sort of “lib-owning” ritual in their culture. Their stupid, stupid culture.
Anyway, they’re gonna boycott. Which won’t work. Because they’re losers. With no money. That’s how this goes, every single time. Starbucks and Nike and the coolers one and wasn’t it Hershey’s just a couple weeks ago? This does jeopardize Anheuser-Busch’s planned expansion into the lucrative horse paste market, however.
I see Clarence Thomas spent decades illegally concealing the lavish vacations showered upon him by GOP megadonor Harlan Crow. Golly. Corruption at the highest levels of Republican politics? Gosh. What is the world coming to? Gosh golly gee.
Asa Hutchinson picked indictment week to launch his presidential campaign, so obviously he’s got a firm grasp of the obstacles ahead. They won’t even learn your name until he threatens your family on Truth Social, Asa.
A cackling Steve Bannon unleashed his “chaos agent,” anti-vax halfwit RFK Jr., upon the Democratic presidential primary, and I for one demand no fewer than nine debates with Marianne Williamson. Debate Number Six: What Do Cats Think About?
Ron Johnson told Maria Bartiromo that he ran for reelection to advocate for “vaccine injuries,” clearly angling for the chairmanship of the Senate Subcommittee on Problems That Do Not Fucking Exist the next time these loons seize power. Ron’ll keep those damn hobbits out of your snozzberry bushes, too.
If you’re looking for something to cheer you up in the midst of all the madness, you could do worse than Mehdi Hasan ripping Matt Taibbi’s soul out through his butthole. I’d say treat yourself, but of course Tucker Carlson ruined treat yourself.
They tried to ruin beer this week, too, but they failed, for they are shitty, and beer is pure and good. You stay safe out there, my friends, until we meet again next week.
Friday, April 7th, 2023
by Shower Cap | American Madness Journal | 0 comments
https://showercapblog.com/yeah-exactly-like-jesus/
I write tonight’s post from the roof of my apartment building, awaiting FEMA rescue, in the aftermath of the deluge of think pieces n’ hot takes about the strength of Alvin Bragg’s case. Feeling good about my decision to gouge my eyes out to spare myself further punditry. Please send beer.
Yes, America spent a day and a half watching that goony little doofus fly from Florida to New York to get arrested, and then we yelled at the television for showing it to us, for we are a nation of assholes, and Donald Trump was sent to plague us, by some sort of cosmic Greek tragedian.
He didn’t get the long, slow, martyr march he wanted, (Melania wouldn’t let him use any of the good tiaras anyway) just courtroom sketches and a couple photos where he looks scared. You can buy a shirt with a fake mugshot on it, though. That’s a shirt you can buy, so everyone around you will know what a dipshit you are. It’s like a MAGA hat, but a shirt.
Republicans, from the highest halls of power to the Appalachianest diners of Real America, rallied obsequiously to their precious, fading game show host, because they don’t know how to do anything else anymore. Well, stay on the sinking ship, fellas. Lifeboats are for cucks.
Lindsey Graham is organizing a bake sale for next Sunday, or maybe an insurrection, I couldn’t make it out through the blubbering. Jim Jordan wants to know if it’s possible to defund the rule of law all at once, or if it’d be easier to go agency by agency? And of course, George Santos was there.
Anyway, the Dotard is basically Jesus, and/or Nelson Mandela, like Marjorie Taylor Greene says. I feel like Nelson Mandela’s social media posts wouldn’t be quite so racist. I’m not saying Jesus’ would be, mind you. I bet both of them would immediately grasp that a cognitive test doesn’t measure intelligence, though.
You don’t get any more Christlike than MAGA, that’s for sure. For He did circulate amongst His followers the likeness of the daughter of the judge in His porn star hush money case, that they might menace her with hammers and bear spray and perhaps the odd nail gun.
No riot this time, which is great for all sorts of reasons. The more headlines like “Lone MAGA supporter awaits Trump in New York, fears antifa” the better. (I had to work that one in because it’s perfect and I love it. Say it out loud. Honor the comma. Really linger.)
Marj was on 60 Minutes, by the way, which I guess means she’s normalized now. I dunno, I’m not sure how normal you can make someone who rants about Jewish space lasers, but it’s something else to be mad about, if you’re hard up for shit to be mad about.
Word on the street is, Kevin McCarthy can’t corral his feral caucus ahead of the approaching debt ceiling collision, but that’s unpossible, Kevin am the leaderest leader who ever led!
In Tennessee, the Republican supermajority, which has been on a proto-fascist bender for some time now, expelled a pair of young, Black, Democratic state representatives, for Unconscionable Uppityness in Defense of Children’s Lives, which is not allowed in Tennessee.
Tennessee Republicans appear to’ve bitten off a bit more than they can chew here, so I imagine we’ll be hearing more in days to come. Get ready to be the bad guys in the next wave of books Florida bans, boys!
In addition to getting indicted on 34 felony charges, Donald Trump tried and failed to hire Laura Loomer this week, which is fairly embarrassing. In protest, Loomer handcuffed herself to…something, probably.
Oh, and apparently, DoJ has evidence he personally rifled through the purloined classified docs to pull out the stuff he really wanted, which, sure, probably means the surveillance photos of Mike Pence’s heartrendingly abnormal masturbation breaks in the West Wing powder room, but might be nuclear secrets for all anybody knows.
Desperate to revive his fast-fading presidential hopes, and running out of children’s books about civil rights heroes to ban, Ron DeSantis has apparently decided to lose a few more rounds to Disney. That oughta do the trick. Another excellent plan from the party of excellent plans.
That six week abortion ban he’s cooking up’ll play real well, too, because Wisconsin doesn’t exist, I guess, though if it did exist, there certainly wasn’t an election there this week.
I’d like to thank Daniel Kelly for losing so badly, by which I mean both the 11-point margin and the thumb-suckingly petulant concession speech. You’re a credit to your party, Dan.
Eleven points, in what may be the tightest swing state in the country. Hey, if these creeps need a few more election cycles to learn this lesson, that’s probably best for everyone involved. Kansas doesn’t exist either, Ron. You’re doin’ great, kid.
Tommy Tuberville, who can barely fucking read, is single-handedly holding up more than 180 nominations at the Department of Defense, because he feels the women serving our country in uniform have too many rights.
Republicans’re all over that women-having-rights thing. You’d never believe this was the same party that had no policy platform whatsoever last presidential election; these days they’re positively overflowing with ideas for new abortion restrictions. They’re really quite creative and industrious when they want to be.
So, Bud Light partnered with a transgender influencer, and a bunch of losers threw that fit they throw when they’re confronted with a world that refuses to pander to their personal prejudices. Yeah, the one where they destroy their own property, and post videos online. I don’t get it either. “Take THAT, thing I paid for!” I’m told it’s some sort of “lib-owning” ritual in their culture. Their stupid, stupid culture.
Anyway, they’re gonna boycott. Which won’t work. Because they’re losers. With no money. That’s how this goes, every single time. Starbucks and Nike and the coolers one and wasn’t it Hershey’s just a couple weeks ago? This does jeopardize Anheuser-Busch’s planned expansion into the lucrative horse paste market, however.
I see Clarence Thomas spent decades illegally concealing the lavish vacations showered upon him by GOP megadonor Harlan Crow. Golly. Corruption at the highest levels of Republican politics? Gosh. What is the world coming to? Gosh golly gee.
Asa Hutchinson picked indictment week to launch his presidential campaign, so obviously he’s got a firm grasp of the obstacles ahead. They won’t even learn your name until he threatens your family on Truth Social, Asa.
A cackling Steve Bannon unleashed his “chaos agent,” anti-vax halfwit RFK Jr., upon the Democratic presidential primary, and I for one demand no fewer than nine debates with Marianne Williamson. Debate Number Six: What Do Cats Think About?
Ron Johnson told Maria Bartiromo that he ran for reelection to advocate for “vaccine injuries,” clearly angling for the chairmanship of the Senate Subcommittee on Problems That Do Not Fucking Exist the next time these loons seize power. Ron’ll keep those damn hobbits out of your snozzberry bushes, too.
If you’re looking for something to cheer you up in the midst of all the madness, you could do worse than Mehdi Hasan ripping Matt Taibbi’s soul out through his butthole. I’d say treat yourself, but of course Tucker Carlson ruined treat yourself.
They tried to ruin beer this week, too, but they failed, for they are shitty, and beer is pure and good. You stay safe out there, my friends, until we meet again next week.
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