I called my boss and asked him if I could come in

I called my boss and asked him if I could come
in a little late. He said, "Dream on".
I thought that was awfully nice of him.

Don't forget:this month we celebrate the 3 days
that a man is right. The 29th, 30th, and 31st of February.

"Why am I hung over ?"
- Did you drink water?
- yes
- From a glass?
- yes
- Was it frozen?
- yes
- Was it surrounded by whiskey?
- It's like you know me...

Someone ripped the fifth month out of my calendar.
I'm dismayed.

I started a nightclub for men with erectile dysfunction.
It was a total flop and nobody came….

When my uncle Frank died...
.... he wanted his remains to be buried in his favorite beer mug.
His last wish was to have Frank in Stein on his headstone.

Doc gave me some anti-gloating cream.
I can't wait to rub it in.

My hot flight attendant asked how I like my coffee?
Trying to sound cool, I told her I like my coffee like I like my women.
And that's when she told me "That's cute honey, but the coffee's free. You don't have to pay for it here!!!"

Einstein famously said that
insanity was doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result... .
.. so unless I'm crazy, I should probably stop getting out of bed in the morning.

I sustained a serious neck injury a few years
ago..................................and I've never looked back.

I pulled a muscle digging for gold.
It was a miner injury.

Why did the woodland creatures burn down the
Hoover factory? Because nature abhors a vacuum.

Source, SHORENUFFSTUFF @iFib