Beto Announces Bid To Lose Texas Governor Race

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AUSTIN, TX—Beto O’Rourke posted a video announcing his bid to enter, then lose the Texas race for Governor, marking the first high-profile candidate from the Democratic party guaranteed to get crushed by a gazillion votes.

“Today I’m throwing my hat in the ring, and announcing my bid to run for governor of Texas,” said Beto in a video that showed him riding a kick scooter through a Waffle House parking lot. “Together, we can rise and fight the Republican incumbent until he squashes me like a tiny bug and forces me to bow out.”

Beto was in good spirits following the announcement, saying he wasn’t about to disappear into irrelevance despite the growing list of failed races for U.S. Senate, U.S. President, City Council, Book Club President, Skateboard Team Treasurer, Whataburger Chief Janitor, and Mom’s Favorite Son Named Beto.

Political strategists from both parties agree Beto has the best chance to lose against Texas incumbent governor Greg Abbott, citing his consistent track record and inability to have even the slightest grasp on reality.

Following the announcement, Beto O’Rourke immediately got to work writing his concession speech.

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