Holy cow. Anal swabs to test for Covid?
Yikes.
According to the article, 80% of those polled said that test was a no-go for them. That means 20% of people were like, "Butthole Swab? Sure, no problem."
The idea behind (pun intended) this testing method had to come from somewhere. There had to be one doctor who wouldn't shut up about swabbing buttholes, for like months and months.
FADE IN
INTERIOR Offices of a Chinese Hospital. Overworked ER doctors are jammed into the one room left that isn't repurposed to house sick Coronavirus patients. Some are asleep. Many Are eating. Others do paperwork. There's little space between the tables and chairs that constitute their desks. Tensions often run high. The very old, small radio in the corner is playing a Chinese cover of a Bruce Springsteen song through weak speakers.
DOCTOR GOH
I'm just saying we haven't checked anyone's butthole yet. We look at bloodwork, temperature, lungs, eyes. Basically everything else, and yet we still haven't made much of a dent in treating these patients. I'm telling you, the secret lies in the butthole. I just know it.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
Will you shut up about buttholes, already? I'm trying to get some rest and I haven't seen my family in 10 months.
DOCTOR GOH
(Under his breath) Maybe if you'd let me at those buttholes the first time I asked you'd be home right now...
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
(Annoyed) WHAT WAS THAT DOCTOR GOH? You're skating on thin ice as we always say in China.
DOCTOR GOH
I was just saying that I have it on good authority, and like I told you before I can't share my source, but if we would just look in people's buttholes we'd unlock the secret of this virus. As the discoverer of this secret I only ask that I be the first to undergo a procedure and that I get to name it.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
Christ, Goh. This is not something I...wait, you want to be first?! Is this just a scheme to get one of us to touch your butthole? What is wrong with you?
DOCTOR GOH
It's only fair that I would not ask someone to do something to someone that I hadn't done myself.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
And the time you said the genitals were the key to migraines?
DOCTOR GOH
I stand by that theory.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
And when you claimed genitals were the secret to hypertension?
DOCTOR GOH
Still haven't been proven wrong.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
No. It's a no. Jesus, no. It's no.
DOCTOR GOH
But I already patented the test. I named it after myself because I think it will change medicine. I'm calling it the "G Spot" test. Can't I just try it on someone? If they sign a release?
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
Jesus, FINE! Try it on one person but you only have two weeks to get this all sorted because Leronlimab's CD12 results are out soon and your butthole test will be useless. At least medically.
DOCTOR GOH
Yes, yes. The monoclonal antibody that's about to bail us all out. I read their message boards. Very exciting drug. I know.
(hurriedly grabs his things and begins rushing to the door)
Don't worry, you won't regret this!
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
(Mumbling to nobody in particular) I already have...
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXAM ROOM 3
Hours later on an exam table under the soft glow of dimmed lights, and through gritted teeth, Dr. Goh looks up at the resident with slender fingers he recruited for his mission with hope in his eyes. Or possibly tears.
DOCTOR GOH
BY GOD IT WORKS!
/scene
#TechnicalAnalysis #700mg
Yikes.
According to the article, 80% of those polled said that test was a no-go for them. That means 20% of people were like, "Butthole Swab? Sure, no problem."
The idea behind (pun intended) this testing method had to come from somewhere. There had to be one doctor who wouldn't shut up about swabbing buttholes, for like months and months.
FADE IN
INTERIOR Offices of a Chinese Hospital. Overworked ER doctors are jammed into the one room left that isn't repurposed to house sick Coronavirus patients. Some are asleep. Many Are eating. Others do paperwork. There's little space between the tables and chairs that constitute their desks. Tensions often run high. The very old, small radio in the corner is playing a Chinese cover of a Bruce Springsteen song through weak speakers.
DOCTOR GOH
I'm just saying we haven't checked anyone's butthole yet. We look at bloodwork, temperature, lungs, eyes. Basically everything else, and yet we still haven't made much of a dent in treating these patients. I'm telling you, the secret lies in the butthole. I just know it.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
Will you shut up about buttholes, already? I'm trying to get some rest and I haven't seen my family in 10 months.
DOCTOR GOH
(Under his breath) Maybe if you'd let me at those buttholes the first time I asked you'd be home right now...
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
(Annoyed) WHAT WAS THAT DOCTOR GOH? You're skating on thin ice as we always say in China.
DOCTOR GOH
I was just saying that I have it on good authority, and like I told you before I can't share my source, but if we would just look in people's buttholes we'd unlock the secret of this virus. As the discoverer of this secret I only ask that I be the first to undergo a procedure and that I get to name it.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
Christ, Goh. This is not something I...wait, you want to be first?! Is this just a scheme to get one of us to touch your butthole? What is wrong with you?
DOCTOR GOH
It's only fair that I would not ask someone to do something to someone that I hadn't done myself.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
And the time you said the genitals were the key to migraines?
DOCTOR GOH
I stand by that theory.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
And when you claimed genitals were the secret to hypertension?
DOCTOR GOH
Still haven't been proven wrong.
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
No. It's a no. Jesus, no. It's no.
DOCTOR GOH
But I already patented the test. I named it after myself because I think it will change medicine. I'm calling it the "G Spot" test. Can't I just try it on someone? If they sign a release?
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
Jesus, FINE! Try it on one person but you only have two weeks to get this all sorted because Leronlimab's CD12 results are out soon and your butthole test will be useless. At least medically.
DOCTOR GOH
Yes, yes. The monoclonal antibody that's about to bail us all out. I read their message boards. Very exciting drug. I know.
(hurriedly grabs his things and begins rushing to the door)
Don't worry, you won't regret this!
CHIEF OF MEDICINE
(Mumbling to nobody in particular) I already have...
FADE OUT
FADE IN
EXAM ROOM 3
Hours later on an exam table under the soft glow of dimmed lights, and through gritted teeth, Dr. Goh looks up at the resident with slender fingers he recruited for his mission with hope in his eyes. Or possibly tears.
DOCTOR GOH
BY GOD IT WORKS!
/scene
#TechnicalAnalysis #700mg
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