I will kill for my wife. Not a person. Spiders, b
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Posted On: 01/15/2021 9:28:22 PM
I will kill for my wife. Not a person.
Spiders, bugs, mice, and shit like that...
I was attacked by a group of mime artists.
They did unspeakable things to me.
You know what I hate?
People who answer their own questions.
My wife taught our car a new trick.
She got it to roll over yesterday.
I saved 15% on car insurance
by leaving the scene of the accident.
Bought the wife a sexy maids outfit
to liven things up indoors, didn't work, the house is still a shit-hole!
There's plenty of fish in the sea,
But until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.
I recently took up meditation.
Beats sitting around doing nothing.
My wife wants a cat, I hate cats.
So we compromised. We now have 3 cats.
Yesterday, I went to the Air and Space Museum.
There was nothing there.
I found my first grey pubic hair last night.
That's the last fucking time I'm eating my Grandma's home made apple pie.
My evil employer conducts random urine tests.
To detect any traces of hope or optimism.
ISIS has claimed full responsibility
for all these jokes that bombed.
I met someone online who shares
my fetish of urinating on dried fruit...
We’re going to go on a date next week.
Bigamist - how an Italian would refer to very thick fog.
"Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."
It's all starts innocently, mixing chocolate
and puffed rice. Next thing you know you're adding raisins and marshmallows...
It's a rocky road.
My neighbor’s in the Guinness Book
of World Records for having the most concussions...
He lives very close to me.
In fact, he's just a stone’s throw away...
Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon...
They’ll take the money and run..
The final four letters
in the word “queue” aren’t silent...
They’re just waiting their turn...
It's difficult to say how she makes money.
She sells sea shells on the seashore.
Last weekend I put $1,000 on a horse.
When I went back, it was gone.
A plastic surgeon gets paid way more than an
auto mechanic, even though they both get paid to fix flats.
If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity,
somebody else would have. It was only a matter of time.
I found a hat with $17.50 in it
I thought this other guy was going to pick it up.
But he was too busy playing his guitar.
How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF @ iFib
Spiders, bugs, mice, and shit like that...
I was attacked by a group of mime artists.
They did unspeakable things to me.
You know what I hate?
People who answer their own questions.
My wife taught our car a new trick.
She got it to roll over yesterday.
I saved 15% on car insurance
by leaving the scene of the accident.
Bought the wife a sexy maids outfit
to liven things up indoors, didn't work, the house is still a shit-hole!
There's plenty of fish in the sea,
But until I catch one, I'm stuck here just holding my rod.
I recently took up meditation.
Beats sitting around doing nothing.
My wife wants a cat, I hate cats.
So we compromised. We now have 3 cats.
Yesterday, I went to the Air and Space Museum.
There was nothing there.
I found my first grey pubic hair last night.
That's the last fucking time I'm eating my Grandma's home made apple pie.
My evil employer conducts random urine tests.
To detect any traces of hope or optimism.
ISIS has claimed full responsibility
for all these jokes that bombed.
I met someone online who shares
my fetish of urinating on dried fruit...
We’re going to go on a date next week.
Bigamist - how an Italian would refer to very thick fog.
"Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."
It's all starts innocently, mixing chocolate
and puffed rice. Next thing you know you're adding raisins and marshmallows...
It's a rocky road.
My neighbor’s in the Guinness Book
of World Records for having the most concussions...
He lives very close to me.
In fact, he's just a stone’s throw away...
Never give a donation to anyone collecting for a marathon...
They’ll take the money and run..
The final four letters
in the word “queue” aren’t silent...
They’re just waiting their turn...
It's difficult to say how she makes money.
She sells sea shells on the seashore.
Last weekend I put $1,000 on a horse.
When I went back, it was gone.
A plastic surgeon gets paid way more than an
auto mechanic, even though they both get paid to fix flats.
If Einstein hadn't come up with the Theory of Relativity,
somebody else would have. It was only a matter of time.
I found a hat with $17.50 in it
I thought this other guy was going to pick it up.
But he was too busy playing his guitar.
How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF @ iFib
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