FADE IN
INTERIOR. Cytodyn Headquarters Break Room - A Microwave dings as Nader Pourhassan gets up from his seat to get his lunch. The break room has some age on it despite new tables and chairs. The size of the room alludes to how many employees the company hopes to have, not how many they currently employ. Which isn’t very many. Two large stacks of boxes sit in the front corner of the room, partially blocking the route in and out. Each of the 8 boxes contains 24 coffee mugs emblazoned with the words “Audio Inaudible”. It smells in the break room.
SCOTT KELLY
Did you really need to cook fish in the microwave? I bet they can smell it all the way down in the PR Closet.
(The PR Closet is a small, otherwise useless alcove where the red phone sits. A direct line to the customer support team at Legal Zoom dot com.)
NADER POURHASSAN
This is Sabzi Polow Mahi. Very exciting fish dish of Iran. Don’t blink your nose or you’ll miss it.
SCOTT KELLY
There’s no missing that smell.
NADER POURHASSAN
People always say “Nader, you cook too much fish in the break room” so I stop cooking fish in the break room and then they say “Nader, you aren’t yourself. What’s going on?” so I cook more fish in the break room because I’m just trying to be me. I can’t win.
SCOTT KELLY
Well I for one can tell you that if it takes you eating microwave fish every day to have the right energy to dock this ship I’m all for it. Did the FDA respond to you about the interim analysis yet? I’m not sure if you knew this or not but I don’t like to mess around. I prefer to get to the point. Nader?
NADER POURHASSAN
I know, I know. I did get the email but it isn’t opening on my phone.
SCOTT KELLY
It’s because you have an old Motorola Razr!
NADER POURHASSAN
Which works just fine. You don’t just throw away a whole phone just because it’s banged up a little bit.
SCOTT KELLY
Did you just steal a Seabiscuit quote to explain why you haven’t upgraded your phone in 20 years?
NADER POURHASSAN
(Nader raises his voice to change the subject)
AS I WAS SAYING…I did get the email. It’s looking good. Great email from the FDA. The FDA is just great. Have I expressed that to you yet?
SCOTT KELLY
(Also raising his voice)
WHAT. DOES. IT. SAY?
NADER POURHASSAN
We got it, Scotty! They’re giving us emergency use authorization!!!
SCOTT KELLY
You’re KIDDING! (Shoves Nader like Elaine Benes shoves everyone in Seinfeld)
NADER POURHASSAN
(Getting up off the floor)
I’m not, but there’s a caveat. We have to push our conference call back a half hour so Trump has time to prepare his comments.
SCOTT KELLY
What’s there to say except that we finally have a real therapy to save lives?
NADER POURHASSAN
He’s trying to figure out how to blame Hillary for how long it took.
SCOTT KELLY
(Confused)
NADER POURHASSAN
C’mon, that was a quality joke! Anyways, he wants to make an announcement about it so we’re trying to time everything out. We have to delay the call an hour.
SCOTT KELLY
But I’ve already programmed my watch.
NADER POURHASSAN
(Chalks that comment up to Classic Scott and ignores it)
So at 5pm east coast time we jump on the call and announce the EUA. Just one problem. We haven’t come up with a trade name for Leronlimab’s Covid indication yet. What do we call it?
SCOTT KELLY
I’ll defer to you. Nader?
NADER POURHASSAN
(Proudly shouts)
FLOMAX!!!
SCOTT KELLY
For prostates. Already taken.
NADER POURHASSAN
(Getting very excited now)
CONDYLOX GEL!!!
SCOTT KELLY
It’s not a gel and that’s already the name of a gel that’s indicated for genital warts. You may know this, but, when you have a genital wart your choices are...
(Interrupts Scott)
NADER POURHASSAN
ITOLDYOUSO 700mg
SCOTT KELLY
Not gonna lie. That’s pretty good.
NADER POURHASSAN
Ok, so it’s decided. We’ll call it Itoldyouso and announce it on the call tomorrow.
SCOTT KELLY
But how are you going to handle the 7 questions about Bruce Patterson?
NADER POURHASSAN
He’s not an employee so why would we get questions?
SCOTT KELLY
Because people on the message boards can’t get over the fact that he isn’t a part of the company. They think he's the only reason the share price is or was where it was or is.
NADER POURHASSAN
So are we just gonna all be mad about all the people we aren’t partnered with from now on? Because a non-dead Steve Jobs would be a great get if we can land him. I’d love to have that weird old white dude who loved to dance at Apple events back in the day too. Bullmer? Bollmer? But in the end we have who we have and what is the point of lamenting what could have been or even what someone who creates a username on a message board like “InvestorBallerPocketAces” thinks could have been? It’s a pointless exercise that serves to get you riled up for no real reason. Brucer (I call him Brucer and no it isn’t because I accidentally typed “Brucer” and decided to roll with it like it was on purpose) was a partner and isn’t anymore. Good or bad it is what it is and yelling into the message boardisphere (trademark) isn’t going to change things so why are you all wasting your time?
SCOTT KELLY
That was an oddly specific response considering it’s just me, you, 8 boxes of coffee mugs, and a very smelly microwaved fish hanging out together.
/scene
INTERIOR. Cytodyn Headquarters Break Room - A Microwave dings as Nader Pourhassan gets up from his seat to get his lunch. The break room has some age on it despite new tables and chairs. The size of the room alludes to how many employees the company hopes to have, not how many they currently employ. Which isn’t very many. Two large stacks of boxes sit in the front corner of the room, partially blocking the route in and out. Each of the 8 boxes contains 24 coffee mugs emblazoned with the words “Audio Inaudible”. It smells in the break room.
SCOTT KELLY
Did you really need to cook fish in the microwave? I bet they can smell it all the way down in the PR Closet.
(The PR Closet is a small, otherwise useless alcove where the red phone sits. A direct line to the customer support team at Legal Zoom dot com.)
NADER POURHASSAN
This is Sabzi Polow Mahi. Very exciting fish dish of Iran. Don’t blink your nose or you’ll miss it.
SCOTT KELLY
There’s no missing that smell.
NADER POURHASSAN
People always say “Nader, you cook too much fish in the break room” so I stop cooking fish in the break room and then they say “Nader, you aren’t yourself. What’s going on?” so I cook more fish in the break room because I’m just trying to be me. I can’t win.
SCOTT KELLY
Well I for one can tell you that if it takes you eating microwave fish every day to have the right energy to dock this ship I’m all for it. Did the FDA respond to you about the interim analysis yet? I’m not sure if you knew this or not but I don’t like to mess around. I prefer to get to the point. Nader?
NADER POURHASSAN
I know, I know. I did get the email but it isn’t opening on my phone.
SCOTT KELLY
It’s because you have an old Motorola Razr!
NADER POURHASSAN
Which works just fine. You don’t just throw away a whole phone just because it’s banged up a little bit.
SCOTT KELLY
Did you just steal a Seabiscuit quote to explain why you haven’t upgraded your phone in 20 years?
NADER POURHASSAN
(Nader raises his voice to change the subject)
AS I WAS SAYING…I did get the email. It’s looking good. Great email from the FDA. The FDA is just great. Have I expressed that to you yet?
SCOTT KELLY
(Also raising his voice)
WHAT. DOES. IT. SAY?
NADER POURHASSAN
We got it, Scotty! They’re giving us emergency use authorization!!!
SCOTT KELLY
You’re KIDDING! (Shoves Nader like Elaine Benes shoves everyone in Seinfeld)
NADER POURHASSAN
(Getting up off the floor)
I’m not, but there’s a caveat. We have to push our conference call back a half hour so Trump has time to prepare his comments.
SCOTT KELLY
What’s there to say except that we finally have a real therapy to save lives?
NADER POURHASSAN
He’s trying to figure out how to blame Hillary for how long it took.
SCOTT KELLY
(Confused)
NADER POURHASSAN
C’mon, that was a quality joke! Anyways, he wants to make an announcement about it so we’re trying to time everything out. We have to delay the call an hour.
SCOTT KELLY
But I’ve already programmed my watch.
NADER POURHASSAN
(Chalks that comment up to Classic Scott and ignores it)
So at 5pm east coast time we jump on the call and announce the EUA. Just one problem. We haven’t come up with a trade name for Leronlimab’s Covid indication yet. What do we call it?
SCOTT KELLY
I’ll defer to you. Nader?
NADER POURHASSAN
(Proudly shouts)
FLOMAX!!!
SCOTT KELLY
For prostates. Already taken.
NADER POURHASSAN
(Getting very excited now)
CONDYLOX GEL!!!
SCOTT KELLY
It’s not a gel and that’s already the name of a gel that’s indicated for genital warts. You may know this, but, when you have a genital wart your choices are...
(Interrupts Scott)
NADER POURHASSAN
ITOLDYOUSO 700mg
SCOTT KELLY
Not gonna lie. That’s pretty good.
NADER POURHASSAN
Ok, so it’s decided. We’ll call it Itoldyouso and announce it on the call tomorrow.
SCOTT KELLY
But how are you going to handle the 7 questions about Bruce Patterson?
NADER POURHASSAN
He’s not an employee so why would we get questions?
SCOTT KELLY
Because people on the message boards can’t get over the fact that he isn’t a part of the company. They think he's the only reason the share price is or was where it was or is.
NADER POURHASSAN
So are we just gonna all be mad about all the people we aren’t partnered with from now on? Because a non-dead Steve Jobs would be a great get if we can land him. I’d love to have that weird old white dude who loved to dance at Apple events back in the day too. Bullmer? Bollmer? But in the end we have who we have and what is the point of lamenting what could have been or even what someone who creates a username on a message board like “InvestorBallerPocketAces” thinks could have been? It’s a pointless exercise that serves to get you riled up for no real reason. Brucer (I call him Brucer and no it isn’t because I accidentally typed “Brucer” and decided to roll with it like it was on purpose) was a partner and isn’t anymore. Good or bad it is what it is and yelling into the message boardisphere (trademark) isn’t going to change things so why are you all wasting your time?
SCOTT KELLY
That was an oddly specific response considering it’s just me, you, 8 boxes of coffee mugs, and a very smelly microwaved fish hanging out together.
/scene
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