Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the for

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers.
They knew, and they did nothing.

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped,
I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

My gardening skills improved since quarantine.
I planted myself on the sofa in April and have grown bigger ever since...

Don’t adopt a puppy to see if you’re ready for kids...
Adopt a homeless guy with diarrhea & a bunch of stories that don’t go anywhere.

So if we defund the police and someone breaks into my house,
do I just call the coroner directly or what?

Grim Reaper: I have come for you.
Grim Reaper’s Wife: You don’t have to say that every time we do it.

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

Just saw a fat dude lick pizza grease off his shirt...
so that's the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

My wife said she bought the lingerie for me,
but then got upset when I put it on...
I just don't get women.

What happens when you cross alcohol with a
book of literary merit? Tequila Mockingbird.

My doctor said, "alcoholism is a disease."
I immediately went to my bartender for a shot.

Me: "My wife struggles with alcoholism."
Friend: "Does she drink heavily?"
Me: "No, I do."

My wife always complains that I come home from work half drunk.
It's only because I run out of money.

h/t SHORENUFFSTUFF