I love bacon because I can wrap it around everything. Essentially, it's the duct tape of food.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can't have ice cream for breakfast.
I've written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It's very saucy.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she'll call security.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
"Woo, I'm on a roll today, baby!" -butter
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with 'unsubscribe'
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
You're so vain...you probably think this post is about you.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
My problem? Smartphones are too smart.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Do you suppose prison guards could use 'PROACTIV' to prevent outbreaks?
source: SHOENUFFSTUFF at iFib
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.
You don’t truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Someone once told me, “GO FOR BROKE” !! I’m happy to report that I succeeded…
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
A jealous woman does better research than the FBI.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can't have ice cream for breakfast.
I've written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It's very saucy.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she'll call security.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
"Woo, I'm on a roll today, baby!" -butter
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with 'unsubscribe'
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
You never realize how boring your life is until someone asks you what you like to do for fun.
You're so vain...you probably think this post is about you.
My worst fear is seeing one of my statuses marked as "exhibit A"
My problem? Smartphones are too smart.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
When people say they did something "like a boss" I just picture them doing it fatter and with less hair.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
Should have never gave my cat a lemon, now he’s walking around like a sour puss.
Do you suppose prison guards could use 'PROACTIV' to prevent outbreaks?
source: SHOENUFFSTUFF at iFib
