And yes, righties, we recognize and appreciate a little hyperbole, satire and silliness WITH our facts.
So save your quibbling for more serious shit.
BYE, BYE RED STATES!
http://leftistrebel.blogspot.com/2013/01/bye-...tates.html
Congratulations, Red States!
We've reviewed your recent official petitions to the White House demanding to secede from the Union and we're pleased to announce that your request has been granted!
We too believe that the end of our relationship is in the best interest of all parties and we know that you will in fact be better off without us bleeding heart liberals and our apologist black President standing in the way of your freedom.
There's only one catch--you're on your own if you take the deal. Don't come to us for anything. You've told us on countless occasions that we're doomed to fail with our socialist agenda and we simply can't afford to continue sending billions of dollars in handouts in the form of welfare and subsidy money to your states anymore.
On that same note, we don't want to catch you sneaking across the border for healthcare, jobs, abortions and kine buds. (We will round you up and deport you just like you've threatened to do to our Mexican brothers and sisters)
You've made it very clear that you don't need or want our help, evidenced by your stance of being fundamentally against government social programs. We're sure you'll do fine coming up with practical solutions to your own problems considering the depth of intellectual firepower that exists on your team.
We admire your confidence and absolute certainty with regard to how effective your policies and positions will be once you are free to run with them on your own. Funny thing is, we feel the same way about our own philosophies. We had to throw in the "don't come back for help" clause just in case you happen to be wrong. We're sure you understand.
First, let's split up the map and rid you of all those wretched left-leaning Marxist states like New York, California, Washington and Hawaii. In fact, let's just use the Mason Dixon line and make some adjustments.
Think about it--you get all the states where real Americans live--Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky, Virginia, The Carolinas and Florida. In fact, we'll also throw in other states containing heavy populations of your ilk. This includes states like Nebraska, Kansas, Wyoming, Idaho, The Dakotas and, yes, Utah.
(We'll move the Sundance Film Festival). You guys like to affectionately call this area "The Heartland", and we've decided that you can actually have that term as well. We'll start referring to our states as "The Brainland".
Your new country would be all the states in red. We'd also give up Florida, North Carolina and Missouri.
You'll enjoy large swaths of land on which you can run wild on your ATV's, guns-a-blazin' and blow the brains out of as many animals as you like without intervention from hippie environmentalists and animal rights activists.
You can now "drill-baby-drill" all you want and dump toxic waste somewhere in Oklahoma. It'll be like the wild west all over again. Unregulated freedom!
You can finally have a government representative of your people run by the likes of Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Ted Nugent and Jesus. In fact, you may even consider bypassing all the bullshit and electing Wayne LaPierre, your beloved NRA Spokesman and Vice President, to hold your new nation's highest office.
He'll win by a landslide and you'll have the comfort of once again having an angry white man as President. On top of that, you'll never have to contemplate the unspeakable suggestion of gun regulation the next time some insane person uses an assault rifle on a room full of first graders. It'll all be in God's plan. In fairness, you won't have that problem since all your kids will be fully armed and trained coming out of Kindergarten.
Wayne LaPierre, National Rifle Association
Here's a big one--we'll take all your blacks, hispanics, asians, muslims and gays. (Bonus!) You hate them anyway and now you can finally stop having to pretend like you don't. It'll be like the '60s never even happened. Feel free to finally build that wall all the way across your southern border that you've been asking us to pay for. While you're at it, build one separating all the states that you're taking possession of in this deal. We're fine with that.
You'll have a clean slate from which to write a new constitution and this time you can make sure there's no room for any kind of annoying alternative "intellectual" interpretations down the road when the world changes.
You can change the Second Amendment to include mandatory gun ownership for all citizens (every birth certificate comes delivered with a brand new AR-15). You can rewrite the First Amendment to better suit you as well, offering true freedom of speech that will let you do things like yell "fire" in a crowded theater or even better yet finally allow your politicians, media, bankers and corporations to lie without consequence, because the government should never tell you what you can and can't say, ever.
You can get rid of ridiculous ideas like obtaining warrants before wiretapping your citizens (oh, you already did that). You'll be free to take up your favorite defense strategy of preemptive strikes against any country you suspect may be supporting terrorists. You can force kids to pray in schools (only to Jesus, of course) and maybe even throw in some fun laws that everybody misses like bringing back drive-up liquor stores and one's right to moderately drink and drive. I mean, .08 is ridiculously low and unfair right?
Just so you know, we're going to ask the gayest designer in New York to artfully remove all your stars from our flag. We noticed that you already have a flag so this shouldn't be a problem. We're quite fond of the creativity behind your design! Nothing captures the essence of the South more than rattlesnakes and unapologetic reminders that you once waged war in defense of slavery--and, of course, the Dukes of Hazzard. Well done!
You will of course be able to construct your own Supreme Court that will allow you to once again conduct public executions, torture anyone you wish, outlaw abortion and all those pesky women's 'rights', detain 'suspects' indefinitely without need for an expensive trial, expel gays and anyone who disagrees with you (we'll take them btw), and just think--you won't have to sneakily redraw electoral maps anymore to give yourself an unfair advantage over those unsightly minorities and progressive areas that keep voting you out of office. Everyone will be in complete agreement now.
Don't concern yourself with the fact that the economically successful and highly educated blue states produce all that tax revenue your welfare ridden, undereducated red states so heavily rely on.
You won't need that anymore because after all, it's every man for himself. That's the Republican doctrine right? "Keep your hands off my stack", as you guys like to say. You can finally create a government so small you can drown it in a bathtub. We'll be eagerly watching to see how this works out for you.
As far as the military is concerned, we will now be an entirely anti-war country and will be closing up most of our bases around the world. We'll give you half the military. Split it right down the middle. We hope you can figure out a way to start paying for all those bases down there in the South.
Our military will remain highly trained and ready but transition to a peace oriented force. We will redirect their efforts toward helping people in real need and keeping us safe from you and other rogue nations. We will use diplomatic efforts, not military might to solve our problems from now on.
You'll need to start bridging the gap and ramp up on enlisting your own kids to go do your bidding and fear mongering around the world. Wait--I can hear you saying, "Our states already send most of the recruits to fight the wars, you dumb son of a bitch!".
Not so fast...you forget, we're taking all your minorities with us and they represent the majority of enlistments from your parts of the country.
We're going to make it so that they don't have to potentially put themselves in harm's way to find a way out of poverty. We're going to stop sending recruiters into high schools waving paychecks and promises of a life in Hawaii to unsuspecting youth who end up getting their limbs blown off in wars started on lies.
You can send your own good Christian sons and daughters to do your bidding from now on in whatever part of the world has the misfortune of having something you want or that strikes some biblical fear in you. Keep your global army and figure out how to pay for it.
We'll use the money we save on irrational defense to create the world's most advanced healthcare and education systems and end our country's poverty and homelessness problems. Yes, we'll be doing lots of stem cell research and no, we won't share the scientific advancements with you. It's not what God wants.
There are some things for you to consider. Not that we want to talk you out of this deal, but remember that you're also getting a whopping 78% of the obese people in America and all their related healthcare costs.
You might want to tell them the truth now that you don't give a damn whether they have coverage or not and continue to make it clear that they should be prepared to pay related costs out of their pockets. You will also have the vast majority of single moms and unemployed dads in the country and most of the failing education systems that keep dragging down our global rankings in math and science.
It's also prudent to remind you that you're still going to be getting nearly all of the tornadoes and hurricanes and since you still insist that FEMA and disaster relief is not the responsibility of government, we're keeping FEMA safely on our side.
We're confident you'll figure it all out on your own. We will sympathize with you when we see you in rafts floating around what used to be your neighborhood frantically waving at Fox News helicopters thinking they are there to help you. You're on your own! Ah, freedom from your evil government. How sweet it is!
You still have all your usual entertainment options: Country music and NASCAR. You also get Fox News, The Christian Science Monitor and the 700 Club.
We get the rest of the news media. Hey, they're all in the tank for our guys anyway and let's face it--you don't bother wasting precious time exploring other ideas and news sources anyway. If it's not on Fox, it's probably a lie.
With this package you get Hannity, Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter. You also get all the televangelists and fuck it, we're throwing in QVC and Chuck Norris too.
As a side note, we've also decided as our first act of national security to immediately deport Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch. We'll also, as a one-time offer, trade you the entire cast of Jersey Shore for the Dixie Chicks.
Don't worry about us, we'll be just fine without you considering that our states account for 20% of the entire world's economy and without your bloated, uneducated, loud-mouthed masses standing in our way we will progress ten times faster than we are now--dramatically increasing our standing in the world.
Our trade relationships will strengthen. Our gun violence will drop. Our advances in science will skyrocket and much of this will happen because we will finally be rid of your favorite little roadblock to progress--the filibuster.
We will also be keeping all of the institutions you despise like Wall Street and Ivy League schools. We know what a relief it will be for you to no longer be associated with all these arugula eating smart people---just like it will be our pleasure to say goodbye to the likes of Honey Boo Boo and Larry the Cable Guy.
In closing, we wish you well in your new adventure and hope that once you have everything you ever wanted you will be happy and FINALLY FREE from our awful, tyrannical, liberal government. You will sleep good at night knowing that you foiled our conspiracy to slowly take away your guns and freedoms.
Now, before we go, it's worth mentioning that we don't regret kicking your butts over slavery back in the day and if you try anything like that again you'll suffer the same fate as last time, possibly worse.
Don't let California hit you in the ass on the way out.
--M. Moon
So save your quibbling for more serious shit.
BYE, BYE RED STATES!
http://leftistrebel.blogspot.com/2013/01/bye-...tates.html
Congratulations, Red States!
We've reviewed your recent official petitions to the White House demanding to secede from the Union and we're pleased to announce that your request has been granted!
We too believe that the end of our relationship is in the best interest of all parties and we know that you will in fact be better off without us bleeding heart liberals and our apologist black President standing in the way of your freedom.
There's only one catch--you're on your own if you take the deal. Don't come to us for anything. You've told us on countless occasions that we're doomed to fail with our socialist agenda and we simply can't afford to continue sending billions of dollars in handouts in the form of welfare and subsidy money to your states anymore.
On that same note, we don't want to catch you sneaking across the border for healthcare, jobs, abortions and kine buds. (We will round you up and deport you just like you've threatened to do to our Mexican brothers and sisters)
You've made it very clear that you don't need or want our help, evidenced by your stance of being fundamentally against government social programs. We're sure you'll do fine coming up with practical solutions to your own problems considering the depth of intellectual firepower that exists on your team.
We admire your confidence and absolute certainty with regard to how effective your policies and positions will be once you are free to run with them on your own. Funny thing is, we feel the same way about our own philosophies. We had to throw in the "don't come back for help" clause just in case you happen to be wrong. We're sure you understand.
First, let's split up the map and rid you of all those wretched left-leaning Marxist states like New York, California, Washington and Hawaii. In fact, let's just use the Mason Dixon line and make some adjustments.
Think about it--you get all the states where real Americans live--Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Kentucky, Virginia, The Carolinas and Florida. In fact, we'll also throw in other states containing heavy populations of your ilk. This includes states like Nebraska, Kansas, Wyoming, Idaho, The Dakotas and, yes, Utah.
(We'll move the Sundance Film Festival). You guys like to affectionately call this area "The Heartland", and we've decided that you can actually have that term as well. We'll start referring to our states as "The Brainland".
Your new country would be all the states in red. We'd also give up Florida, North Carolina and Missouri.
You'll enjoy large swaths of land on which you can run wild on your ATV's, guns-a-blazin' and blow the brains out of as many animals as you like without intervention from hippie environmentalists and animal rights activists.
You can now "drill-baby-drill" all you want and dump toxic waste somewhere in Oklahoma. It'll be like the wild west all over again. Unregulated freedom!
You can finally have a government representative of your people run by the likes of Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Ted Nugent and Jesus. In fact, you may even consider bypassing all the bullshit and electing Wayne LaPierre, your beloved NRA Spokesman and Vice President, to hold your new nation's highest office.
He'll win by a landslide and you'll have the comfort of once again having an angry white man as President. On top of that, you'll never have to contemplate the unspeakable suggestion of gun regulation the next time some insane person uses an assault rifle on a room full of first graders. It'll all be in God's plan. In fairness, you won't have that problem since all your kids will be fully armed and trained coming out of Kindergarten.
Wayne LaPierre, National Rifle Association
Here's a big one--we'll take all your blacks, hispanics, asians, muslims and gays. (Bonus!) You hate them anyway and now you can finally stop having to pretend like you don't. It'll be like the '60s never even happened. Feel free to finally build that wall all the way across your southern border that you've been asking us to pay for. While you're at it, build one separating all the states that you're taking possession of in this deal. We're fine with that.
You'll have a clean slate from which to write a new constitution and this time you can make sure there's no room for any kind of annoying alternative "intellectual" interpretations down the road when the world changes.
You can change the Second Amendment to include mandatory gun ownership for all citizens (every birth certificate comes delivered with a brand new AR-15). You can rewrite the First Amendment to better suit you as well, offering true freedom of speech that will let you do things like yell "fire" in a crowded theater or even better yet finally allow your politicians, media, bankers and corporations to lie without consequence, because the government should never tell you what you can and can't say, ever.
You can get rid of ridiculous ideas like obtaining warrants before wiretapping your citizens (oh, you already did that). You'll be free to take up your favorite defense strategy of preemptive strikes against any country you suspect may be supporting terrorists. You can force kids to pray in schools (only to Jesus, of course) and maybe even throw in some fun laws that everybody misses like bringing back drive-up liquor stores and one's right to moderately drink and drive. I mean, .08 is ridiculously low and unfair right?
Just so you know, we're going to ask the gayest designer in New York to artfully remove all your stars from our flag. We noticed that you already have a flag so this shouldn't be a problem. We're quite fond of the creativity behind your design! Nothing captures the essence of the South more than rattlesnakes and unapologetic reminders that you once waged war in defense of slavery--and, of course, the Dukes of Hazzard. Well done!
You will of course be able to construct your own Supreme Court that will allow you to once again conduct public executions, torture anyone you wish, outlaw abortion and all those pesky women's 'rights', detain 'suspects' indefinitely without need for an expensive trial, expel gays and anyone who disagrees with you (we'll take them btw), and just think--you won't have to sneakily redraw electoral maps anymore to give yourself an unfair advantage over those unsightly minorities and progressive areas that keep voting you out of office. Everyone will be in complete agreement now.
Don't concern yourself with the fact that the economically successful and highly educated blue states produce all that tax revenue your welfare ridden, undereducated red states so heavily rely on.
You won't need that anymore because after all, it's every man for himself. That's the Republican doctrine right? "Keep your hands off my stack", as you guys like to say. You can finally create a government so small you can drown it in a bathtub. We'll be eagerly watching to see how this works out for you.
As far as the military is concerned, we will now be an entirely anti-war country and will be closing up most of our bases around the world. We'll give you half the military. Split it right down the middle. We hope you can figure out a way to start paying for all those bases down there in the South.
Our military will remain highly trained and ready but transition to a peace oriented force. We will redirect their efforts toward helping people in real need and keeping us safe from you and other rogue nations. We will use diplomatic efforts, not military might to solve our problems from now on.
You'll need to start bridging the gap and ramp up on enlisting your own kids to go do your bidding and fear mongering around the world. Wait--I can hear you saying, "Our states already send most of the recruits to fight the wars, you dumb son of a bitch!".
Not so fast...you forget, we're taking all your minorities with us and they represent the majority of enlistments from your parts of the country.
We're going to make it so that they don't have to potentially put themselves in harm's way to find a way out of poverty. We're going to stop sending recruiters into high schools waving paychecks and promises of a life in Hawaii to unsuspecting youth who end up getting their limbs blown off in wars started on lies.
You can send your own good Christian sons and daughters to do your bidding from now on in whatever part of the world has the misfortune of having something you want or that strikes some biblical fear in you. Keep your global army and figure out how to pay for it.
We'll use the money we save on irrational defense to create the world's most advanced healthcare and education systems and end our country's poverty and homelessness problems. Yes, we'll be doing lots of stem cell research and no, we won't share the scientific advancements with you. It's not what God wants.
There are some things for you to consider. Not that we want to talk you out of this deal, but remember that you're also getting a whopping 78% of the obese people in America and all their related healthcare costs.
You might want to tell them the truth now that you don't give a damn whether they have coverage or not and continue to make it clear that they should be prepared to pay related costs out of their pockets. You will also have the vast majority of single moms and unemployed dads in the country and most of the failing education systems that keep dragging down our global rankings in math and science.
It's also prudent to remind you that you're still going to be getting nearly all of the tornadoes and hurricanes and since you still insist that FEMA and disaster relief is not the responsibility of government, we're keeping FEMA safely on our side.
We're confident you'll figure it all out on your own. We will sympathize with you when we see you in rafts floating around what used to be your neighborhood frantically waving at Fox News helicopters thinking they are there to help you. You're on your own! Ah, freedom from your evil government. How sweet it is!
You still have all your usual entertainment options: Country music and NASCAR. You also get Fox News, The Christian Science Monitor and the 700 Club.
We get the rest of the news media. Hey, they're all in the tank for our guys anyway and let's face it--you don't bother wasting precious time exploring other ideas and news sources anyway. If it's not on Fox, it's probably a lie.
With this package you get Hannity, Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter. You also get all the televangelists and fuck it, we're throwing in QVC and Chuck Norris too.
As a side note, we've also decided as our first act of national security to immediately deport Donald Trump and Rupert Murdoch. We'll also, as a one-time offer, trade you the entire cast of Jersey Shore for the Dixie Chicks.
Don't worry about us, we'll be just fine without you considering that our states account for 20% of the entire world's economy and without your bloated, uneducated, loud-mouthed masses standing in our way we will progress ten times faster than we are now--dramatically increasing our standing in the world.
Our trade relationships will strengthen. Our gun violence will drop. Our advances in science will skyrocket and much of this will happen because we will finally be rid of your favorite little roadblock to progress--the filibuster.
We will also be keeping all of the institutions you despise like Wall Street and Ivy League schools. We know what a relief it will be for you to no longer be associated with all these arugula eating smart people---just like it will be our pleasure to say goodbye to the likes of Honey Boo Boo and Larry the Cable Guy.
In closing, we wish you well in your new adventure and hope that once you have everything you ever wanted you will be happy and FINALLY FREE from our awful, tyrannical, liberal government. You will sleep good at night knowing that you foiled our conspiracy to slowly take away your guns and freedoms.
Now, before we go, it's worth mentioning that we don't regret kicking your butts over slavery back in the day and if you try anything like that again you'll suffer the same fate as last time, possibly worse.
Don't let California hit you in the ass on the way out.
--M. Moon
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