Beer & The Wheel
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer
and the invention of the wheel. Beer required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were
invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for
them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa. These two
were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst
for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: 1.Liberals.
2.Conservatives
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as
the Conservative movement. Other men who were less skilled at hunting
(called 'vegetarians' which was an early human word meaning 'bad hunter'
learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's
and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing. This was the beginning of
the liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men evolved into women. Others became known as
girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of
democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
Conservatives provided.
Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the
jackass for obvious reasons. Modern Liberals like lite beer (with lime
added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French
food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side
note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community
organizers are liberals. Liberals meddled in our national pastime and
invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the
pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink real beer. They eat red meat and still provide for
their women. Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors,
police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, airline pilots,
and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own
companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and
decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in
Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for
nothing from Conservative's labor.
Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily
respond to this post. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced
of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to
other true believers and to just irritate more liberals. And there you
have it. Let your next action reveal your true self.
I'm going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!
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