What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
All I'm saying is if I'm not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Note to self: the wife does not want an 'exercise pole'.
For those of you wondering what it's like to be married, I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.
I'm starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.
The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Don't feel bad if you don't enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That's what matters.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I'm not at work anymore....
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don't have to hear what she's talking about.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you're still getting something impressive.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze.
My birthday suit used to fit much better than this…
There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my bride is mad at me and she wouldn't say why.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUDD At iFib
All I'm saying is if I'm not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Note to self: the wife does not want an 'exercise pole'.
For those of you wondering what it's like to be married, I'm on day 3 of an argument I didn't know I was having.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
My phone just changed, 'calendar' to 'cake radar' and now I really wish I had that.
I'm starting to think that some of you are misspelling words on porpoise.
Next time a customer service rep asks “Is there anything else I can do for you?” whisper “Smile for the camera, I’m watching you” & hang up.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife's is around $643.27. Apparently.
Listening to your wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing, and still you say..."I Agree".....!
The sad part about seeing any shopper at Walmart with a blue tooth, is that normally it is that shopper's only tooth.
A girl updated her facebook status saying: All men are dogs and I commented • Which breed is your dad?
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.
The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
If you think human beings have evolved a lot. Look at how much Egyptians worshiped cats. Then go look at Facebook for about 10 minutes.
Don't feel bad if you don't enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That's what matters.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I'm not at work anymore....
I just broke a light bulb. Damn, is that 7 years of bad ideas.
In some ways I’m just like a dog…. I can’t be trusted around unsupervised food.
Kiss her in the middle of her sentence so you don't have to hear what she's talking about.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you're still getting something impressive.
The older I get .... The more dangerous it is to sneeze.
My birthday suit used to fit much better than this…
There's a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It's like when my bride is mad at me and she wouldn't say why.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUDD At iFib
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