I will die on a white floor just to mess with the

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.

The Four Seasons, by Facebook: Spring: LOOK FLOWERS! Summer: LOOK AT MY DASHBOARD TEMP! Fall: LOOK LEAVES! Winter: MORE DASHBOARD PICS!

Unsettling sounds #23 - Ice-cream van after dark.

Be careful when you're watching a movie with your wife. You're gonna get blamed for whatever the guy in the movie does.

I have a feeling my dying words will be "Honey, I was just joking."

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're probably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!

I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.

I will be responsible for my actions....when my actions become more responsible.

You'll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.

Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...