Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.
I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Perhaps my whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Someone just called me normal, I've never been so insulted in all my life!
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
If your problem can't be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn't come to me for help.
One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature's way of getting you to slap yourself.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.
It's only a matter of time before they add the word "syndrome" after my last name.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
My spouse thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.
I am not saying that I live in a bad town. Sam's club is selling Fathers day cards in a five pack.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That's an unusual name. You don't hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I'm running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
I always write 'wake up' on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
I've been hiding from exercise ... I'm in the fitness protection program.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF at iFib
I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.
Perhaps my whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Someone just called me normal, I've never been so insulted in all my life!
Who decided to call the man purse a satchel and not a douchebag?
She likes to call it a conversation, but mostly she's gathering evidence.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
My wife probably tells me that I never listen to her.
If your problem can't be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn't come to me for help.
One day I'll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
I can't decide if people who wear pajamas in public have given up on life or are living it to the fullest.
The awkward moment when you’re running and your boobs are bouncing …. and you’re a guy.
Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I'm not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Mosquito (noun) - Mother Nature's way of getting you to slap yourself.
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn't do anything except send me notices that there's a new version of itself.
It's only a matter of time before they add the word "syndrome" after my last name.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
My spouse thinks I'm crazy. But I'm not the one who married me.
I am not saying that I live in a bad town. Sam's club is selling Fathers day cards in a five pack.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That's an unusual name. You don't hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can't spell.
DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I'm running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
I always write 'wake up' on my to-do-list so I can at least accomplish one thing a day.
I hope my last words aren’t “What does this thing do?”
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
I've been hiding from exercise ... I'm in the fitness protection program.
May you live to be so old that your driving terrifies people.
A psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: If you spend $19.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.
I have good taste, I just don't have the money to prove it.
Source: SHORENUFFSTUFF at iFib
