Greetings, fellow Americans* (*designation of “A
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Posted On: 07/04/2019 10:21:13 AM
Greetings, fellow Americans* (*designation of “Americans” does not apply to critics of President Donald J. Trump) and WELCOME to President Donald J. Trump’s “Salute to America” celebration of the Fourth of July and of President Donald J. Trump.
For the first time in our nation’s history, we have a president (Donald J. Trump) who is recognizing the Fourth of July and the important role it plays in American history, as well as the important role he (President Donald J. Trump) has played in finally getting Americans to celebrate the Fourth of July, a holiday never celebrated under previous presidents.
We’re so glad you decided to join us (and patriotically donate to President Donald J. Trump’s reelection campaign) and we’re VERY EXCITED to share with you all the America-loving fun you’re about to experience thanks to our great and benevolent president. (Shout his name! And buy something with his name on it from one of the President Donald J. Trump merchandise kiosks located throughout the National Mall.)
This day will be a celebration of all the things America holds dear: the honoring of one man above all others; the flaunting of giant machines of war; and soldiers marching in unison before a political leader who personally involved himself in every detail of a celebration for which he is the keynote speaker.
Donald J. Trump
✔
@realDonaldTrump
Big 4th of July in D.C. “Salute to America.” The Pentagon & our great Military Leaders are thrilled to be doing this & showing to the American people, among other things, the strongest and most advanced Military anywhere in the World. Incredible Flyovers & biggest ever Fireworks!
While media outlets like The Washington Post are reporting that the National Park Service “is diverting nearly $2.5 million in entrance and recreation fees primarily intended to improve parks across the country to cover costs associated with President Trump’s Independence Day celebration” and the event will also “likely cost taxpayers millions of dollars," we want to assure you that we will, as the Founders intended, patriotically call that Fake News without providing any evidence that’s true.
The last thing you should be worrying about while you’re in Washington, D.C., for the FOURTH OF JULY EVENT OF A LIFETIME (brought to you by President Donald J. Trump) is what it might be costing or whether bridges at your local parks might collapse. Lighten up! Worrying is for liberals!
The best way you can honor American greatness is to enjoy all this event has to offer, which includes:
— A first-ever Fourth of July fireworks display. The president himself had the idea to develop these decorative sky explosions that he dubbed “fireworks.” The night will conclude with a massive fireworks show, with Donald Trump Jr. lighting all the fuses himself!
— Jumbo high-definition television screens will be located throughout the Salute to America event grounds showing streaming video of DANGEROUS illegal immigrants being patriotically deprived of basic human rights in camps along the country’s southern border.
— A Virtual Reality Outrage Booster tent will allow visitors to put on VR headsets and watch as Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton do some of the same things President Trump has done. Your blood will boil as you watch Obama making money off foreign diplomats staying at a Washington, D.C., hotel he owns. And you’ll be filled with anger as you see Clinton letting her daughter, Chelsea, act as a representative of the U.S. government at high-profile meetings with world leaders! Can you imagine anyone besides President Trump doing that?!? The fury will engulf you for days!
— The Indoor Skydiving Trump Donation Experience uses a giant wind turbine to simulate skydiving while also sucking all the money out of your pockets and shooting it into a life-sized replica of President Trump’s pockets. You’ll have no idea you’re being taken for a ride!
— An entire row of all-American carnival games for kids and adults, including favorites like “Whack-A-Lib”; a tricky magnetic fishing pole game called “Put the Migrant Kids in Cages”; and a high-stakes guessing game called “Who’s the Daughter Who’s Not Ivanka?”
There will be, as the president promised, “the brand-new Sherman tanks” on display in the Definitely-Not-Overcompensating-for-Something Dome of Manliness. (Don’t believe the LYING MEDIA claims that Sherman tanks were last used in the 1950s. These Sherman tanks will be new, and they will be MAGNIFICENT!)
Rex Huppke
✔
@RexHuppke
BREAKING: Donald Trump has now ordered the U.S. Navy to “sail two huge air craft carryings” onto the National Mall for his Fourth of July celebration
There will be powerful military jets flying overhead, accompanied by Eric Trump making “ZOOOOOOOM!!!!” noises over the loudspeakers.
And of course, the highlight of the night will be a speech by our great leader, the best president in the 1,000-year history of America.
Best of all? Everyone will have great seats to hear President Trump detail how great he has made America and how grateful we should be for his greatness. And by “everyone,” we mean everyone who has done their civic duty and donated large amounts of money to President Trump.
In keeping with our all-American ethics, the White House has reserved prime seats for Republican donors and political appointees. This is truly “the people’s event,” and the people seated closest to the president will be the ones who donated the most money, as well as those who served their country by not responding to congressional subpoenas or flipping like rats.
So welcome to President Donald J. Trump’s glorious Salute to America. Enjoy your day, donate money until you feel American glory coursing through your veins and give a full-throated cheer to CELEBRATE ALL AMERICANS, except for: the pro-crime liberal LOSERS; the late Sen. John McCain; Robert Mueller; certain Gold Star families who have criticized the president; anyone who has ever criticized the president; all the president’s ex-wives; all former presidents; and the entire U.S. women’s soccer team.
God Bless (Certain Parts of) America!
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
For the first time in our nation’s history, we have a president (Donald J. Trump) who is recognizing the Fourth of July and the important role it plays in American history, as well as the important role he (President Donald J. Trump) has played in finally getting Americans to celebrate the Fourth of July, a holiday never celebrated under previous presidents.
We’re so glad you decided to join us (and patriotically donate to President Donald J. Trump’s reelection campaign) and we’re VERY EXCITED to share with you all the America-loving fun you’re about to experience thanks to our great and benevolent president. (Shout his name! And buy something with his name on it from one of the President Donald J. Trump merchandise kiosks located throughout the National Mall.)
This day will be a celebration of all the things America holds dear: the honoring of one man above all others; the flaunting of giant machines of war; and soldiers marching in unison before a political leader who personally involved himself in every detail of a celebration for which he is the keynote speaker.
Donald J. Trump
✔
@realDonaldTrump
Big 4th of July in D.C. “Salute to America.” The Pentagon & our great Military Leaders are thrilled to be doing this & showing to the American people, among other things, the strongest and most advanced Military anywhere in the World. Incredible Flyovers & biggest ever Fireworks!
While media outlets like The Washington Post are reporting that the National Park Service “is diverting nearly $2.5 million in entrance and recreation fees primarily intended to improve parks across the country to cover costs associated with President Trump’s Independence Day celebration” and the event will also “likely cost taxpayers millions of dollars," we want to assure you that we will, as the Founders intended, patriotically call that Fake News without providing any evidence that’s true.
The last thing you should be worrying about while you’re in Washington, D.C., for the FOURTH OF JULY EVENT OF A LIFETIME (brought to you by President Donald J. Trump) is what it might be costing or whether bridges at your local parks might collapse. Lighten up! Worrying is for liberals!
The best way you can honor American greatness is to enjoy all this event has to offer, which includes:
— A first-ever Fourth of July fireworks display. The president himself had the idea to develop these decorative sky explosions that he dubbed “fireworks.” The night will conclude with a massive fireworks show, with Donald Trump Jr. lighting all the fuses himself!
— Jumbo high-definition television screens will be located throughout the Salute to America event grounds showing streaming video of DANGEROUS illegal immigrants being patriotically deprived of basic human rights in camps along the country’s southern border.
— A Virtual Reality Outrage Booster tent will allow visitors to put on VR headsets and watch as Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton do some of the same things President Trump has done. Your blood will boil as you watch Obama making money off foreign diplomats staying at a Washington, D.C., hotel he owns. And you’ll be filled with anger as you see Clinton letting her daughter, Chelsea, act as a representative of the U.S. government at high-profile meetings with world leaders! Can you imagine anyone besides President Trump doing that?!? The fury will engulf you for days!
— The Indoor Skydiving Trump Donation Experience uses a giant wind turbine to simulate skydiving while also sucking all the money out of your pockets and shooting it into a life-sized replica of President Trump’s pockets. You’ll have no idea you’re being taken for a ride!
— An entire row of all-American carnival games for kids and adults, including favorites like “Whack-A-Lib”; a tricky magnetic fishing pole game called “Put the Migrant Kids in Cages”; and a high-stakes guessing game called “Who’s the Daughter Who’s Not Ivanka?”
There will be, as the president promised, “the brand-new Sherman tanks” on display in the Definitely-Not-Overcompensating-for-Something Dome of Manliness. (Don’t believe the LYING MEDIA claims that Sherman tanks were last used in the 1950s. These Sherman tanks will be new, and they will be MAGNIFICENT!)
Rex Huppke
✔
@RexHuppke
BREAKING: Donald Trump has now ordered the U.S. Navy to “sail two huge air craft carryings” onto the National Mall for his Fourth of July celebration
There will be powerful military jets flying overhead, accompanied by Eric Trump making “ZOOOOOOOM!!!!” noises over the loudspeakers.
And of course, the highlight of the night will be a speech by our great leader, the best president in the 1,000-year history of America.
Best of all? Everyone will have great seats to hear President Trump detail how great he has made America and how grateful we should be for his greatness. And by “everyone,” we mean everyone who has done their civic duty and donated large amounts of money to President Trump.
In keeping with our all-American ethics, the White House has reserved prime seats for Republican donors and political appointees. This is truly “the people’s event,” and the people seated closest to the president will be the ones who donated the most money, as well as those who served their country by not responding to congressional subpoenas or flipping like rats.
So welcome to President Donald J. Trump’s glorious Salute to America. Enjoy your day, donate money until you feel American glory coursing through your veins and give a full-throated cheer to CELEBRATE ALL AMERICANS, except for: the pro-crime liberal LOSERS; the late Sen. John McCain; Robert Mueller; certain Gold Star families who have criticized the president; anyone who has ever criticized the president; all the president’s ex-wives; all former presidents; and the entire U.S. women’s soccer team.
God Bless (Certain Parts of) America!
rhuppke@chicagotribune.com
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