Somehow I missed the turn into my driveway…
and ended up at the pub few blocks over.
I'm no auto mechanic…
but I'm pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume…
that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I'm 35 but my body already feels like it's 65.
I want to be able to sleep…
like the dude who had a severed horse head placed in his bed without even knowing it.
The record companies have done a good job...
fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
The average person has sex 103 times a year…
it's almost April so that means only 103 more to go.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website.
That lying bitch is NOT “fun to be around”.
conjunctivitis.com
That’s a site for sore eyes.
I want to learn about inertia
But I just don't know how to get the ball rolling.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually Jamaica does pretty much everything on drugs.
The Theory of Relativity:
Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I just came up with a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake
I overdosed on Viagra once
It was the hardest day of my life.
People say that if America doesn't start getting it's act together...
in 50 years we'll all be speaking Chinese.
Right - Like we're smart enough to learn Chinese!
Losing a spouse can be very hard...
But have faith, it's not impossible.
I was totally inept with girls in high school.
Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I'm not that much into kink...
So remind me again which nipple the red jumper cable goes on?
Last night I was gonna surprise my Korean Wife
with a romantic meal but someone let the cat out of the bag.
Just found out that if you squint your eyes
really hard you can actually make your nose bleed. I did it earlier today on the train and a Chinese guy came up to me and punched me in the face.
Why do you get paid more at....
the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
Source: SHONUFFSTUFF at iFib
and ended up at the pub few blocks over.
I'm no auto mechanic…
but I'm pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume…
that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I'm 35 but my body already feels like it's 65.
I want to be able to sleep…
like the dude who had a severed horse head placed in his bed without even knowing it.
The record companies have done a good job...
fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.
The average person has sex 103 times a year…
it's almost April so that means only 103 more to go.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website.
That lying bitch is NOT “fun to be around”.
conjunctivitis.com
That’s a site for sore eyes.
I want to learn about inertia
But I just don't know how to get the ball rolling.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually Jamaica does pretty much everything on drugs.
The Theory of Relativity:
Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I just came up with a cure for anorexia.
It was a piece of cake
I overdosed on Viagra once
It was the hardest day of my life.
People say that if America doesn't start getting it's act together...
in 50 years we'll all be speaking Chinese.
Right - Like we're smart enough to learn Chinese!
Losing a spouse can be very hard...
But have faith, it's not impossible.
I was totally inept with girls in high school.
Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I'm not that much into kink...
So remind me again which nipple the red jumper cable goes on?
Last night I was gonna surprise my Korean Wife
with a romantic meal but someone let the cat out of the bag.
Just found out that if you squint your eyes
really hard you can actually make your nose bleed. I did it earlier today on the train and a Chinese guy came up to me and punched me in the face.
Why do you get paid more at....
the Sperm Bank than at the Blood Bank?
Sperm is handmade.
Source: SHONUFFSTUFF at iFib
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