Last night, my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes.Problem is, he lives alone.
So I went outside and told him he wasn't there and he left.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Bernie Sanders walks into a bar
...and yells, "free drinks for everyone! Who's buying?"
Just got off the phone with my 107 year old grandpa!
It's his birthday and I asked him, "How is everything going?"
He said, "Well, you know everything is fine except for these damned child support payments!!!"
I always hold the door open for women,
but they never seem to get in my van.
By the time a man realizes his father was right,
he has a son who think's he's wrong....
My daughter gave me the last bite...
of her favorite candy. She'd learned to share and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy.
"WE did!" my daughter declared. She'd learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Highway to Hell…
my favorite song about driving to work.
For all the people who doubted me...
You were right.
My wife can spot a stain on my shirt...
from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
I don't want to house hunt…
I only do it to keep the house population in check.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask…
"Would you take a photo of me?"
If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Her: Who is your fantasy?
Me: Huh?
Her: Who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
Me: The elevator repair man.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
So I went outside and told him he wasn't there and he left.
Steven Wright
Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Bernie Sanders walks into a bar
...and yells, "free drinks for everyone! Who's buying?"
Just got off the phone with my 107 year old grandpa!
It's his birthday and I asked him, "How is everything going?"
He said, "Well, you know everything is fine except for these damned child support payments!!!"
I always hold the door open for women,
but they never seem to get in my van.
By the time a man realizes his father was right,
he has a son who think's he's wrong....
My daughter gave me the last bite...
of her favorite candy. She'd learned to share and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy.
"WE did!" my daughter declared. She'd learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Highway to Hell…
my favorite song about driving to work.
For all the people who doubted me...
You were right.
My wife can spot a stain on my shirt...
from across the room but can't see the mailbox when she's backing up?
I don't want to house hunt…
I only do it to keep the house population in check.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask…
"Would you take a photo of me?"
If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Her: Who is your fantasy?
Me: Huh?
Her: Who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
Me: The elevator repair man.
A procrastinator's work is never done.
