I just asked my husband if he remembers....
what today is... Scaring men is easy.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog...
that he's adopted?
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying
you're slowly looking worse.
Intelligence is like an underwear....
It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
There once was a man named Sweeney,
who spilled some gin on his weenie.
That being uncouth,
he dipped it in Vermouth,
and slipped his wife a dry martini.
After I have sex, I like my woman like I like
my mailbox..................outside my home.
What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
"I wanna go to Florida."
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong.....
I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried.
"Doctor," she said, "I can't
sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that
I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I
do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
Marriage:
Betting someone half your stuff that you’ll love them forever.
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
Me: Do you promise not to get mad whatever I say?
Wife: Yes, sure.
Me: I banged your sister.
Just read that “Max Factor mascara
makes eyelashes appear three times longer!”
I wish they also made condoms.
Heard on the news that the worlds oldest man died earlier today.
Why does this keep happening?
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.
Google is definitely a woman,
it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.
Anger; the feeling that makes your.....
mouth work faster than your mind.
My boss told me to have a good day. So.....
I went home.
My wife and I always compromise.
I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you only sent me her panties?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it's mine.
I'll never understand how someone can come in
second in a biathlon. You have a rifle , don't you?
Sparkling water was invented by Germans.
Who else would have thought of adding gas?
"Siri, why am I still single?"
( Siri activates front camera. )
Funny how they say we need to talk when.....
they really mean you need to listen.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers....
a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
An honest politician is one who,
when he is bought, will stay bought.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is....
a fine for doing well.
The couple next door are making a sex tape
...they don't know about it yet, though.
From Shorenstuff at iFib
what today is... Scaring men is easy.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog...
that he's adopted?
Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying
you're slowly looking worse.
Intelligence is like an underwear....
It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
There once was a man named Sweeney,
who spilled some gin on his weenie.
That being uncouth,
he dipped it in Vermouth,
and slipped his wife a dry martini.
After I have sex, I like my woman like I like
my mailbox..................outside my home.
What's the most expensive Jewish wine?
"I wanna go to Florida."
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong.....
I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried.
"Doctor," she said, "I can't
sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that
I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I
do?"
"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
Marriage:
Betting someone half your stuff that you’ll love them forever.
Wife: Does this dress make me look fat?
Me: Do you promise not to get mad whatever I say?
Wife: Yes, sure.
Me: I banged your sister.
Just read that “Max Factor mascara
makes eyelashes appear three times longer!”
I wish they also made condoms.
Heard on the news that the worlds oldest man died earlier today.
Why does this keep happening?
Iron Man is a superhero.
Iron Woman is a command.
Google is definitely a woman,
it starts suggesting things before you can even finish your sentence.
Anger; the feeling that makes your.....
mouth work faster than your mind.
My boss told me to have a good day. So.....
I went home.
My wife and I always compromise.
I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you only sent me her panties?
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it's mine.
I'll never understand how someone can come in
second in a biathlon. You have a rifle , don't you?
Sparkling water was invented by Germans.
Who else would have thought of adding gas?
"Siri, why am I still single?"
( Siri activates front camera. )
Funny how they say we need to talk when.....
they really mean you need to listen.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers....
a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
An honest politician is one who,
when he is bought, will stay bought.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is....
a fine for doing well.
The couple next door are making a sex tape
...they don't know about it yet, though.
From Shorenstuff at iFib
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