What an amazing, clever dog we have, darling....

What an amazing, clever dog we have, darling....
He brings in the newspaper every day, and we’ve never even subscribed to any!

I’m considering removing my dog’s tail......
My mother in law comes next weekend and I intend to get rid of anything that would give her the impression that she is welcome.

How do you keep your husband from...
reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”

A man who thinks by inch and.....
talks by yard deserves to be kicked by foot.

Interviewer: "What is your dream job?"
Me: "Well, in my dreams, I don't work."

I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.

Just saw a doctor eating an apple.
My whole life is a lie.

I prefer to think that my tendency to road rage
has enriched my kid’s vocabularies rather than warped their young minds.

I hate it when you tell someone...
that you'll always be there for them and then they ask you to help them move.

Sorry Mormons...
but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers.