Trump denies Russia hacking while Putin types furi

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Trump denies Russia hacking while Putin types furiously on laptop during press conference



By Paul Sharpe

On July 17, 2018


HELSINKI, Finland — President Donald Trump once again denied Russia was responsible for any kind of hacking during the 2016 election as Russian President Vladimir Putin was seen furiously typing on a laptop during a joint press conference, sources confirmed today.

“President Putin says it’s not Russia. I don’t see any reason why it would be,” Trump said before looking over at Putin, who was in the middle of composing an email to the head of Russia’s military intelligence agency (GRU).

“LOL,” the message read, according to sources familiar with the matter in Units 26165 and 74455.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Just had to write a quick message telling everyone back in Moscow how great you are Mr. President,” Putin said, grinning toward Trump.

The press conference came after a two hour-long meeting between the two heads of state in Helsinki. While talking with reporters, Trump reiterated the United States’ longstanding position recognizing Crimea as Russian land, attacked all members of U.S. intelligence as fake news, and criticized Malaysia Airlines for flying a plane over Ukraine in 2014 that was subsequently shot down by a Russian missile.

“Malaysia Airlines shouldn’t have been there, believe me. And most of the people in Crimea speak Russian so it was practically already Russia anyway,” Trump said, adding that he and Putin agreed to discuss Russia’s possible annexation of Brighton Beach, N.Y., an area with a large population of Russian-speaking immigrants.

Putin also denied Moscow had any involvement in election meddling, though he did offer to work side-by-side with Trump to figure out the exact identity of the 400-lb hacker responsible for the hack of the Democratic National Committee in 2016.

“That’s an incredible offer,” Trump said, as Chief of Staff John Kelly stared off into space and day-dreamed of the likelihood he would drink at least two liters of whiskey later that evening.

At press time, Putin had debarked from his private jet in Moscow, where he was spotted high-fiving former NSA contractor Edward Snowden on the tarmac.

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