Can You Spot a Bridge Addict?
No, you’re basically on your own when it comes to dealing with these maniacs, which is why it pays to know how to spot one right off and then get while the getting’s good. So imagine yourself at a party that you suspect bridge addicts might attend. Here are a few dead giveaways:
1. Addicts love to segue into a discussion about bridge from totally unrelated topics:
You: “So the pain my chest was really getting bad and then my left arm went numb. I thought I might just be able to drive myself to Emanuel Hospital which is on the east side of the Fremont Bridge – ”
Addict: “Bridge? Do you play? What conventions do you use?”
2. Anytime a finger is run over a stack of papers, mimicking the sound of a deck of cards being shuffled, a bridge addict will exhibit the Pavlovian responses of dilated pupils, profuse sweating and rapid, shallow breathing.
3. Bridge addicts will move in one direction along the buffet table while insisting that dishes be passed along in the opposite direction. They will often launch into cheerful, spontaneous chatter about how they like to make a balanced food plate for themselves but that sometimes it’s nice to have a whole lot of one kind of dish – what they refer to as the ‘long’ dish – and none of another (the ‘void’ dish). They will ask your opinion on this natter with an expression reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
If you notice any of these signs, the first rule is DON’T PANIC! Bridge addicts are well known for their ability to smell fear. However, there is not a moment to lose if you want to get out before it’s too late: Try these techniques:
1. Say to the bridge addict: “You know, I think I heard of a table in Columbia that needs a fourth.” For your own safety, be sure you are not standing in the path to the door when you use this technique. Also, be sure that it is not your car blocking the bridge addict’s as they try to leave.
2. Steer the bridge addict in the direction of a hat rack. Introduce hat rack as a friend who would love to know more about bridge. Quietly slip away. It helps if you’ve already retrieved your hat so you don’t risk disturbing the addict several hours later when you depart.
3. Try this: “Yeah, I have a friend who plays bridge. He said that once he was declarer with a balanced hand, a 3-4 fit and 24 combined points and somehow he made seven spades. How do you figure he did that?”
4. This is my favorite. Lean nonchalantly against something handy to lean against and intone in a casual voice, “Yeah, I played bridge years ago. Even taught the game for a while. Had this one older guy who was my student who did okay for himself, considering. Fella by the name of Lusky, as I recall. Heard of him?”
No, you’re basically on your own when it comes to dealing with these maniacs, which is why it pays to know how to spot one right off and then get while the getting’s good. So imagine yourself at a party that you suspect bridge addicts might attend. Here are a few dead giveaways:
1. Addicts love to segue into a discussion about bridge from totally unrelated topics:
You: “So the pain my chest was really getting bad and then my left arm went numb. I thought I might just be able to drive myself to Emanuel Hospital which is on the east side of the Fremont Bridge – ”
Addict: “Bridge? Do you play? What conventions do you use?”
2. Anytime a finger is run over a stack of papers, mimicking the sound of a deck of cards being shuffled, a bridge addict will exhibit the Pavlovian responses of dilated pupils, profuse sweating and rapid, shallow breathing.
3. Bridge addicts will move in one direction along the buffet table while insisting that dishes be passed along in the opposite direction. They will often launch into cheerful, spontaneous chatter about how they like to make a balanced food plate for themselves but that sometimes it’s nice to have a whole lot of one kind of dish – what they refer to as the ‘long’ dish – and none of another (the ‘void’ dish). They will ask your opinion on this natter with an expression reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in The Shining.
If you notice any of these signs, the first rule is DON’T PANIC! Bridge addicts are well known for their ability to smell fear. However, there is not a moment to lose if you want to get out before it’s too late: Try these techniques:
1. Say to the bridge addict: “You know, I think I heard of a table in Columbia that needs a fourth.” For your own safety, be sure you are not standing in the path to the door when you use this technique. Also, be sure that it is not your car blocking the bridge addict’s as they try to leave.
2. Steer the bridge addict in the direction of a hat rack. Introduce hat rack as a friend who would love to know more about bridge. Quietly slip away. It helps if you’ve already retrieved your hat so you don’t risk disturbing the addict several hours later when you depart.
3. Try this: “Yeah, I have a friend who plays bridge. He said that once he was declarer with a balanced hand, a 3-4 fit and 24 combined points and somehow he made seven spades. How do you figure he did that?”
4. This is my favorite. Lean nonchalantly against something handy to lean against and intone in a casual voice, “Yeah, I played bridge years ago. Even taught the game for a while. Had this one older guy who was my student who did okay for himself, considering. Fella by the name of Lusky, as I recall. Heard of him?”
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