If Women were Regulated like Guns... Murphy Bar

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No, lady, you really don’t.

If Women were Regulated like Guns:

A man would have to pass a Federal background check before owning one.
Some states require additional licenses, fees, registrations, or waiting periods.
For every purchase, you must fill out a form confirming that you are a US Citizen, the end user of the vehicle, do not abuse drugs or alcohol, and have no felony convictions. Lying will be punishable by 10 years in prison and/or $10,000 fine
Many States would require a man to be licensed before bringing his woman into public. Some states may allow her to be displayed openly, others would require her to be concealed from head to toe. Licenses in one state probably aren’t good in another.
Women would be forbidden from entering:
Public Buildings like schools, courthouses, colleges, and governmental offices
Polling places during voting days
Many Federal buildings
Certain businesses at the owners discretion
Women would not be allowed into the secure zone at airports or into the passenger cabin of aircraft
Some states would require women to be locked up when not in use
A man would be required to pay an additional $200 fee and pass an additional background check by the Bureau of Sin, Vice, and Women in order to own:
Women less than five feet tall
Sound mitigating sex toys such as ball gags
Certain states ban cosmetic features for being “slutty”:
Red lipstick
Dyed hair
High Volume breasts. Some states ban DD. Some D Some larger than B.
Synthetically Enhanced Breasts
Excessively large hip-to-waist ratios
In the State of California, only certain models of women may be owned. All others are banned. Even cosmetic changes, like different colored lipstick or fingernail polish qualifies as a separate model, and must be reevaluated for legality.
Many states ban high-capacity uterus' capable of containing more than one fetus at a time
Imported women are prohibited
Women cannot be sold across state lines without going through a government licensed dealer
Some states consider it a felony to share your wife with a friend
There is discussion of closing the “swingers loophole”, through which a man sells his woman to another man without going through an Federal Woman License holder.
Each State, and in some cases each county, town, and city, have their own additional rules and regulations regarding women. None of this will be posted. It is up to you to know all of this, or face fines, jail time, and confiscation of your woman and destruction by stoning.
Conviction of certain sex acts will cost a man his privilege of owning a woman forever. This includes reckless operation, drunk fucking, an incorrect breast size or attachment, or the wrong type of makeup. Pregnancy may also result in permanent loss of ownership, if negligence is proven. In addition, any felony conviction of any kind--even tax evasion--will mean permanent loss of your woman privileges. In these cases, it will even be illegal to use your friend’s woman.

Before making ridiculous claims drawing false comparisons between women’s rights and gun ownership, please know what the hell you’re talking about.

This bit of satire was inspired by If Guns were Regulated like Cars, and this question, Why can't we regulate "constitutional rights" to win guns the same way Texas regulates woman's constitutional rights to control her body?

While the discussion of woman’s rights and bodily autonomy is quite serious and important, conflating woman’s rights and guns is like comparing Jews and Suspension Bridges. It just doesn’t make any sense.

For more, read Bearing Arms

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