Here is a list of jokes-- feel free to repost you favorite!
I am a recovering redneck. It's been three weeks since I dry humped a cousin.
You can lead a horse to water but it's pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
A Rolex is just an expensive way to let everyone know you don't know how to check the time on your phone.
If you've never had a 4 hour conversation about which cartoon character gives the best blowjobs, then I question your commitment to tequila.
Last time I went through Canadian customs and they asked me if I had anything to declare, I said, "You guys make great maple syrup!"
On my deathbed, I hope to be surrounded by family and friends while I take a few last second glances at my iPhone.
There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine.
Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.
So smoking will kill you... bacon will kill you...
but smoking bacon will cure it.
I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off.
It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.
I always find New Year's Eve stressful.
I've been diagnosed with auld langxiety.
They say you should dance like no one is watching.
But everyone was very rude to me at my mother-in-law's funeral.
Did you hear about the Native American stripper?
Every time she danced, it rained.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife's name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
If "The Breakfast Club" were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it's like to be sober.
You know you’re screwed when the Asian kid says, "shit", during the test.
I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
When my swear jar gets full I'm gonna use the money to buy a motherfucking puppy.
Choosey moms choose Jif.
Boozey moms choose Jeff, the abusive, alcoholic boyfriend.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was getting me to date her.
Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife.
Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.
I lost out at the S&M Awards, but it was an honor just to be dominated.
With my luck, I bet if I was homeless, I'd probably end up with the shopping cart with the shitty wheel.
Leaving church just now, the priest shakes my hand and says "Love your neighbor.”
I said "Me too Father, she's got some tits, huh?”
I interviewed for a new secretary today and the last girl blew it.
So, she starts tomorrow.
The weather is so nice it makes me want to watch TV with the windows open.
"Where do babies come from, Daddy?"
"Well, sweetie, when a man and a woman drink alcoholic beverages together..."
Say "No, TWO drugs.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as "famous."
There needs to be a Meat Likers Pizza for those of us afraid of commitment.
At the Playboy Mansion I bet they serve fancy whore d'oeuvres before the main intercourse.
I'm beginning to think I'm a terrible host. Wife says it's rude to answer every question with "I don't know. Get the fuck out of my house."
Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.
Ladies, men like it when your hair has lots of body, not the other way around.
I thought "asbestos" was Spanish for "best ass."
Stupid people have it made.
Nobody expects anything from them, and when they do something right, people act like they cured cancer.
Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.
To determine how safe a neighborhood is, divide the number of white women carrying yoga mats by the number of signs saying 'Checks Cashed'.
Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo.
Why do women try to talk football? Do you see me in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies? No. You don't.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
I know how to get on a flight.
Thank you boarding school.
Forget drugs, with these new airline baggage fees I'm gonna have to start smuggling luggage up my ass.
One man's trash is another man's girlfriend.
I am a recovering redneck. It's been three weeks since I dry humped a cousin.
You can lead a horse to water but it's pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
A Rolex is just an expensive way to let everyone know you don't know how to check the time on your phone.
If you've never had a 4 hour conversation about which cartoon character gives the best blowjobs, then I question your commitment to tequila.
Last time I went through Canadian customs and they asked me if I had anything to declare, I said, "You guys make great maple syrup!"
On my deathbed, I hope to be surrounded by family and friends while I take a few last second glances at my iPhone.
There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine.
Camera man, light and sound technician, make up artist, or even production manager.
So smoking will kill you... bacon will kill you...
but smoking bacon will cure it.
I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off.
It makes me more relaxed when I can see her breasts.
I always find New Year's Eve stressful.
I've been diagnosed with auld langxiety.
They say you should dance like no one is watching.
But everyone was very rude to me at my mother-in-law's funeral.
Did you hear about the Native American stripper?
Every time she danced, it rained.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife's name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
If "The Breakfast Club" were filmed today, it would be a silent movie about 5 teens looking at their phones.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it's like to be sober.
You know you’re screwed when the Asian kid says, "shit", during the test.
I feel lazier than the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
When my swear jar gets full I'm gonna use the money to buy a motherfucking puppy.
Choosey moms choose Jif.
Boozey moms choose Jeff, the abusive, alcoholic boyfriend.
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was getting me to date her.
Nice that after 17 years of marriage I can still have a sex dream about my wife.
Last night the role of my wife was played by Jessica Alba.
I lost out at the S&M Awards, but it was an honor just to be dominated.
With my luck, I bet if I was homeless, I'd probably end up with the shopping cart with the shitty wheel.
Leaving church just now, the priest shakes my hand and says "Love your neighbor.”
I said "Me too Father, she's got some tits, huh?”
I interviewed for a new secretary today and the last girl blew it.
So, she starts tomorrow.
The weather is so nice it makes me want to watch TV with the windows open.
"Where do babies come from, Daddy?"
"Well, sweetie, when a man and a woman drink alcoholic beverages together..."
Say "No, TWO drugs.”
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as "famous."
There needs to be a Meat Likers Pizza for those of us afraid of commitment.
At the Playboy Mansion I bet they serve fancy whore d'oeuvres before the main intercourse.
I'm beginning to think I'm a terrible host. Wife says it's rude to answer every question with "I don't know. Get the fuck out of my house."
Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.
Ladies, men like it when your hair has lots of body, not the other way around.
I thought "asbestos" was Spanish for "best ass."
Stupid people have it made.
Nobody expects anything from them, and when they do something right, people act like they cured cancer.
Gold Digger - like a hooker, only smarter.
To determine how safe a neighborhood is, divide the number of white women carrying yoga mats by the number of signs saying 'Checks Cashed'.
Sometimes I go days without even thinking about the Alamo.
Why do women try to talk football? Do you see me in the kitchen discussing dishwashing strategies? No. You don't.
The ultimate home security system is having shitty stuff.
I know how to get on a flight.
Thank you boarding school.
Forget drugs, with these new airline baggage fees I'm gonna have to start smuggling luggage up my ass.
One man's trash is another man's girlfriend.
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