By Alexandra Petri December 1
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.). (Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg News)
The good news about 2017 is that while, on the one hand, everything is on fire, everything else is also on fire. But then again, everything is on fire! All the bad things that were happening are still happening, but then again, new bad things are happening, too, to take your mind off them.
Currently staggering through the Senate bellowing with rage — with one blow, it punctured a big hole in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge — is a half-baked tax bill that everyone, loosely, can agree raises taxes on the middle class and probably will not promote the wild levels of growth that would be necessary for it to pay for itself. But then again, according to the analysis by the Treasury Department that is definitely real and absolutely happened, and is not just Steven Mnuchin whispering in your ear, “Think of the best possible outcome that you can imagine! Poof! That’s what the analysis said,” it will produce the best possible outcome that you can imagine.
The bill will create growth. Growth — in the deficit! No, sorry, another, better kind of growth. Growth in how much families making $30,000 will have to pay in taxes! (Analysis from 38 economists says that the bill will not, in fact, create a growth unlike anything we have ever seen before, except in the sense that “growth” can sometimes mean “a bad development you should check out.” But that is just because they understand how economics works.)
Graduate students, who have been living high on the hog in luxury, lolling in their palaces of ramen on their private barges of ungraded papers, will finally pay their fair share. They will have to pay taxes on their waived tuition. Instead of paying proportionate to the tiny income they do have, they will pay in proportion to the IMMENSE income they DON’T have. Seems fair.
And the bill will likely trigger cuts to Medicare. All of these are things Americans have long craved.
The good news is that corporations, gladdened by a swift cut to their tax rates, will be so overjoyed that they will do something that no economist who has been asked about the bill believes that they will do, and trickle some benefits down to the middle class with hiring and pay raises and job creation. Well, they might. Or they might do what they usually do. Anyway, we’ll find out soon enough!
The other good news is that in spite of all these tax cuts to corporations, the consumer will still be protected, because now the Consumer Financial Production Bureau has doubled in size. Or at any rate, it has two heads. The CFPB and the Anti-CFPB are erecting parallel, warring centers of power, with parallel, warring Twitter accounts and parallel, warring missions. The CFPB will try, as Dodd-Frank demanded, to protect the consumer; the Anti-CFPB will try to put the consumer in a little bit of danger so that the consumer can feel alive again. CFPB employees cannot shake hands with Anti-CFPB-employees or they will both disappear. Behind one door is a true CFPB employee, and behind the other door is a fake CFPB employee. One is a lady, and one is a tiger.
The bill is incomplete and still getting things tacked onto it like Christmas ornaments as it makes its way to the floor, but it has momentum, which is what counts. It is one of those monstrous bills that is assembled out of stray parts: For a time, Lisa Murkowski’s hand was sewn to it. And this is still enough of a process to please 2017 John McCain. (Do not tell 1994 John McCain, who would be extremely disappointed.)
The bill will create growth where it counts. It will grow how much those poor families have to pay in taxes. It will definitely grow the amount of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. It will create unbelievable growth in the amount that teachers have to pay for school supplies out of their own pocket. And it will grow the number of uninsured, by 13 million.
Best yet, the bill will grow the deficit by ONE TRILLION dollars over the next 10 years! Or, wait, that’s bad news, I think. I don’t know. It’s growth, right? So much growth. So much growth for everyone!
Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.). (Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg News)
The good news about 2017 is that while, on the one hand, everything is on fire, everything else is also on fire. But then again, everything is on fire! All the bad things that were happening are still happening, but then again, new bad things are happening, too, to take your mind off them.
Currently staggering through the Senate bellowing with rage — with one blow, it punctured a big hole in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge — is a half-baked tax bill that everyone, loosely, can agree raises taxes on the middle class and probably will not promote the wild levels of growth that would be necessary for it to pay for itself. But then again, according to the analysis by the Treasury Department that is definitely real and absolutely happened, and is not just Steven Mnuchin whispering in your ear, “Think of the best possible outcome that you can imagine! Poof! That’s what the analysis said,” it will produce the best possible outcome that you can imagine.
The bill will create growth. Growth — in the deficit! No, sorry, another, better kind of growth. Growth in how much families making $30,000 will have to pay in taxes! (Analysis from 38 economists says that the bill will not, in fact, create a growth unlike anything we have ever seen before, except in the sense that “growth” can sometimes mean “a bad development you should check out.” But that is just because they understand how economics works.)
Graduate students, who have been living high on the hog in luxury, lolling in their palaces of ramen on their private barges of ungraded papers, will finally pay their fair share. They will have to pay taxes on their waived tuition. Instead of paying proportionate to the tiny income they do have, they will pay in proportion to the IMMENSE income they DON’T have. Seems fair.
And the bill will likely trigger cuts to Medicare. All of these are things Americans have long craved.
The good news is that corporations, gladdened by a swift cut to their tax rates, will be so overjoyed that they will do something that no economist who has been asked about the bill believes that they will do, and trickle some benefits down to the middle class with hiring and pay raises and job creation. Well, they might. Or they might do what they usually do. Anyway, we’ll find out soon enough!
The other good news is that in spite of all these tax cuts to corporations, the consumer will still be protected, because now the Consumer Financial Production Bureau has doubled in size. Or at any rate, it has two heads. The CFPB and the Anti-CFPB are erecting parallel, warring centers of power, with parallel, warring Twitter accounts and parallel, warring missions. The CFPB will try, as Dodd-Frank demanded, to protect the consumer; the Anti-CFPB will try to put the consumer in a little bit of danger so that the consumer can feel alive again. CFPB employees cannot shake hands with Anti-CFPB-employees or they will both disappear. Behind one door is a true CFPB employee, and behind the other door is a fake CFPB employee. One is a lady, and one is a tiger.
The bill is incomplete and still getting things tacked onto it like Christmas ornaments as it makes its way to the floor, but it has momentum, which is what counts. It is one of those monstrous bills that is assembled out of stray parts: For a time, Lisa Murkowski’s hand was sewn to it. And this is still enough of a process to please 2017 John McCain. (Do not tell 1994 John McCain, who would be extremely disappointed.)
The bill will create growth where it counts. It will grow how much those poor families have to pay in taxes. It will definitely grow the amount of drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. It will create unbelievable growth in the amount that teachers have to pay for school supplies out of their own pocket. And it will grow the number of uninsured, by 13 million.
Best yet, the bill will grow the deficit by ONE TRILLION dollars over the next 10 years! Or, wait, that’s bad news, I think. I don’t know. It’s growth, right? So much growth. So much growth for everyone!
