I just yawned so loud I think I called a boat in
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I think I called a boat in!
I left my laptop on the floor and my mom mistook it for a scale.
My mom weighs 800 dollars.
My spouse looks super hot without glasses.
That's why I stopped wearing them.
I respect strippers.
Because its really hard to dance by yourself
And not look stupid.
When my 2 year-old throws a temper tantrum,
I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with
massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes,
so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.
Turns out she left me a few days ago!
I've turned my home into a battered women's shelter.
I've named it "Out of the Frying Pan"
I heard they are opening a women's shelter in Japantown called "Tempura House." It is for lightly battered women.
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