I bought my wife a sexy maids outfit in the hopes that
it would help things in the bedroom. Unfortunately it didn't work,
the room is still a mess.
My mom walked in on me and said "You'll go blind doing that".
I dropped my fricking binoculars and missed the eclipse.
Three things I'm grateful for:
1) Family
2) Friends
3) Caller ID so I can avoid family and friends
When my wife and I really argue and I tell her..
to 'go to hell', I've always noticed that she goes to stay at her mother's house. Coincidence?
Black people with white hair freak me out
It looks like I'm being approached by a giant negative photograph.
I asked his wife: "Honey, can you ever..
remember a time that you said something so profound that you later regretted?"
She said "I do"
I was in a bar last night when the bartender said to me,
“I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man.
Mine is to have two girls at the same time.
She must have misunderstood because now we have
twin daughters from the mailman.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found
the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve.
Dating is a lot like fishing.
Sure there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
But until you catch one, you're just stuck there holding your rod.
I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?
She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
I have a pet tree...
It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
RIP boiled water 2017-2017
You will be Mist.
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell..
From an iHub poster -- SHORENUFFSTUFF
it would help things in the bedroom. Unfortunately it didn't work,
the room is still a mess.
My mom walked in on me and said "You'll go blind doing that".
I dropped my fricking binoculars and missed the eclipse.
Three things I'm grateful for:
1) Family
2) Friends
3) Caller ID so I can avoid family and friends
When my wife and I really argue and I tell her..
to 'go to hell', I've always noticed that she goes to stay at her mother's house. Coincidence?
Black people with white hair freak me out
It looks like I'm being approached by a giant negative photograph.
I asked his wife: "Honey, can you ever..
remember a time that you said something so profound that you later regretted?"
She said "I do"
I was in a bar last night when the bartender said to me,
“I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”
I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”
My wife’s fantasy is to be with another man.
Mine is to have two girls at the same time.
She must have misunderstood because now we have
twin daughters from the mailman.
My wife found out I was cheating after she found
the letters I was hiding …
She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick
Mostly because his name is Steve.
Dating is a lot like fishing.
Sure there’s plenty of fish in the sea.
But until you catch one, you're just stuck there holding your rod.
I asked my maths teacher, "Will we ever use any of this algebra?
She said, "You won't, but some of the smart kids might."
I have a pet tree...
It's like having a pet dog but the bark is much quieter.
RIP boiled water 2017-2017
You will be Mist.
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
"Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
What do you call a singing computer?
A Dell..
From an iHub poster -- SHORENUFFSTUFF
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