Ruminations on failure, spell-checking, and, of course,

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Ruminations on failure, spell-checking, and, of course, madness

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By the time Mueller's done, I expect we'll learn the meeting was also attended by Nikita Khrushchev, Nikolai Volkoff, and Oddjob.

Well, today we were treated to a fresh installment of the Roving Holiday where we get to read dozens of columns, think pieces, finger-pointing interviews, and leak-fueled-behind-the-scenes reenactments about yet another colossal failure by Donald J Trump (The "J" stands for Emotionally Stunted Assclown) and the Washington Generals of politics, the McConnell/Ryan Republican Party.

After the latest attempt at his "Silly Plebes, Health Care is for Millionaires" Bill collapsed last night for being insufficiently murderous for the likes of Mike Lee and Rand Paul, Majority Leader Yertle pulled the old Straight Repeal and We'll Totally Replace Later, Wink Wink alternative out of his drawer. "Let's just do it, and be legends," McConnell allegedly shouted, before doing a Jell-O shot out of Roy Blunt's navel.

But that shitty plan fell apart before the daytime soaps were over, with Senators Murkowski, Collins and Moore turning McConnell over on his back, and laughing as he swayed from side to side in an attempt to right himself.

And now Rush Limbaugh is mad at all the Lady Senators for refusing this stimulus package for the funeral home industry, because they are Sluts for Librul Big Government Health Care and Also Not Wanting Their Constituents' Lives to be Nasty, Brutish and Short the Way God Intended It.

Anyway, the circular firing squad is, as per usual, absolutely fucking hilarious. Word is, instead of whipping votes for the Obama-shafting victory he is so pathetically desperate for, the Shart of the Deal had dinner not with persuadable fence-sitters, but with a group of solid yeses, and had no idea Moran and Lee were about shit in the succotash I am told was served. This is likely because he's a clownish figurehead that no one, not even members of his own party, respects or fears.

And overnight, Mitch McConnell has transformed from Nth-Level Political Grandmaster to That Jowly Dickhead Who Couldn't Pass the One Thing Republicans Have Been Promising For 8 Fucking Years. Ron Johnson pointedly wouldn't say he had faith in Gamara's Bastard Offspring's leadership abilities, strong words from a dude who needs interns to tie his neckties for him.

Desperate for an excuse to congratulate himself, Il Douche mused that the bill would have passed 48-4 if there were no such thing as Democrats. Now, even that probably isn't true, as more centrists would certainly have defected after the latest CBO score, but I have to say that watching him try to spin such a massively humiliating defeat as a super-impressive victory is...sexually arousing.

Tangerine Idi Amin was extra pissy already, because he had to certify that Iran was still complying with Dumb Ol' Obama's nuclear agreement. Because he's a perpetually-colicky man-baby motivated solely by undoing his predecessor's accomplishments because he was mean at the Correspondent's Dinner, he threw a tantrum for the better part of an hour about how he didn't WANNA certify the Iran deal, finally relenting when H.R. McMaster told him he could hire hookers to pee on Obama's favorite bushes in the Rose Garden.

And hey, we learned the identity of the mysterious "8th Man" in the meeting Kid Shart's been lying so hard about. Dude's name is Ike Kaveladze, and he's been implicated in laundering Russian oligarch money through real estate, which is a zany coincidence, because of all of the Russians who have bought real estate from the Drumpf family. By the time Mueller's done, I expect we'll learn the meeting was also attended by Nikita Khrushchev, Nikolai Volkoff, and Oddjob.

Oh, and the Hotel-Formerly-Known-as-Trump in Toronto finally scraped his shitty little name off their building, though tourists report a lingering smell of hair tonic and burger farts.

Shit, we're even reading about how much people hate SCROTUS on fucking GOLF WEBSITES now, as his course's hosting of the U.S. Women's open over the weekend seems to have driven down both ratings and live attendance. That's right, Shartboy, even your truest love, GOLF, fucking loathes you.

We learned a number of unsavory things about Steve Bannon from Joshua Green's new book. It seems Darth Wino called Paul Ryan a “limp-dick motherfucker who was born in a petri dish at the Heritage Foundation," which is not an altogether unfair description of the Speaker.

Other fun factoids include Bannon's propensity for building nests made from his own saliva and copies of Bill O'Reilly novels in the corner of his office, and that he eats by vomiting a mixture of acid and cheap gin on his food to dissolve it, since his teeth rotted out decades ago from drinking paint thinner.

Dana Rohrabacher took a moment in a hearing today to ask a NASA scientist if...wait, this can't be right...if it's possible there was an ancient civilization, thousands of years ago...on...Mars?

And, I guess, if maybe they were still around and had developed a trade with Earth scientists to supply them with child sex slaves in exchange for weather control technology, who the fuck knows? And seriously, WHO THE FUCK VOTES FOR THESE CLEARLY INSANE PEOPLE?

The Shart House announced Jon Huntsman as their choice for Ambassador to the Coolest and Sexxiest Country on Earth, Run By That Dreamy Bald Fellow Who Makes All the Other Presidents Swoon, I'm Talkin' About Russia, UNH. Of course, they didn't even manage to get Huntsman's name right in their announcement, because SPELL-CHECKING IS FOR CUCKS.

Oh, and Chris Christie got good and righteously booed when he caught a foul ball at the Mets game tonight, possibly the noblest act in the entire history of Mets fandom.

Aaaaaaaaand just for good measure, I guess we just found out that the Velveeta Urinal Cake had an undisclosed meeting with Daddy Vlad after a dinner at the G-20.

But don't worry, he didn't have a single other American present, even a translator, and his administration didn't tell anyone about it until they got caught, as is their habit.

Nothing to worry about, I'm sure. They probably just talked about murdering journalists and destroying NATO. Y'know. Locker room talk.

And I guess Denny Hastert is out of jail? Fucking hell. I say it a lot, I know, but...shit be cray, people.