Quote:Special Coverage
The American Presidency
From building a brand new nation, to safeguarding the ideals of liberty and democracy around the world, to moving on her like a bitch, The Onion takes a closer look at each of America’s presidents.
Quote:Donald Trump
Abusive Stepfather Of The Constitution
Forty-fifth president best known for being so self-obsessed and insecure that he is undoubtedly reading this entry right now in order to find out what we have written about him.
Trump, who at this exact moment is most certainly scanning these very words to satisfy a deep-seated, omnipresent, and uncontrollable urge to know what everyone thinks of him at all times, took office after a largely unanticipated Electoral College victory over Democratic Party nominee Hillary Clinton.
Having spent decades as a businessman, real estate mogul, and television personality before his presidency, Trump suffers from such a severe inferiority complex that he immediately pored through this feature for his name and is, without a doubt, currently perusing this passage with the desperate hope that we offer him some form of praise and validation.
Considered to be one of the most unorthodox leaders in modern American history, Trump is the first U.S. president to have no prior political or military experience and is assuredly livid at present as he reads over the closing words of this entry that characterize him as a fragile, incompetent individual who, despite continual public displays in which he attempts to project the opposite air, is widely regarded as a mere pretender who has rarely if ever succeeded on his own merits.
Quote:Barack Obama
Broke Barriers For The Nation’s Racists
Forty-fourth president of the United States, who, for the first time in American history, gave racists the opportunity to despise the most powerful man on the planet.
By becoming the first African American to occupy the Oval Office, Obama achieved a significant milestone for the nation’s bigots, who were previously only able to spew hatred against prominent black athletes, entertainers, social activists, and secretaries of state.
Finally empowered to feel superior to and disgusted by the leader of the free world, racists fully embraced the bold new era by asserting that Obama was actually born in Kenya and thus could not hold the highest office in the land because he wasn’t a U.S. citizen—baseless smears that even the most vile xenophobe wouldn’t have dreamed of leveling against a sitting American president just two years earlier.
In the wake of Obama’s decisive victory, many jubilant racists who had lived through the turbulent civil rights era of the 1960s remarked that having the chance to discount a president’s stunning list of political accomplishments based solely on the color of his skin was something they thought they would never live long enough to experience.
Quote:George W. Bush
Winner, Bush v. Gore
Forty-third president of the United States, who received the presidency as a gift for his 54th birthday from his parents, George and Barbara. Using his connections in the Supreme Court, Bush’s father was able to pull a few strings at the last minute to get his son the extravagant present, which the younger Bush accepted despite his disappointment over not receiving the Ford Mustang he had repeatedly requested.
Although Bush enjoyed the parade held in his honor, he grew bored of the Oval Office after a few months, so his buddies Dick and Donald orchestrated the military invasion of Afghanistan to cheer him up and give Bush something to do. Bush also received a second presidential term as an early Christmas present in 2004, not long after inheriting his father’s old war.
http://www.theonion.com/live/american-preside.../entry/182
