The true, correct story of what happened at Donald

New Post Public Reply Private Reply Replies (0) Message Board

Jan 26, 2017 at 12:22 PM 133

Quote:

The true, correct story of what happened at Donald Trump’s inauguration

By Alexandra Petri

January 24 

I apologize to Donald Trump. As Sean Spicer so wisely said at his first news conference on Monday (It was the first. The one that happened on Saturday did not happen at all, and I recognize that!), it is unfair to be so mean and negative all the time.

Here is the fair and unbiased story about the inauguration written in compliance with the Trump style guidelines that we should have been obeying all along.

Nothing that has ever happened or will ever happen was as great as Donald Trump’s inauguration.

The crowd was magnificent and huge, bigger than any crowd had ever been before! It stretched all the way to the moon. The Pope, who was there, confirmed it.

“Thanks for being here, Pope,” Donald Trump told him.

“Are you kidding? You’re my best friend,” the Pope said. “I wouldn’t miss your big day for anything!” He gave Donald Trump a big high-five.

[Did you attend the inauguration or a protest? Tell us what you plan to do next.]

Everyone in the world had come there at great expense. They sold all their possessions — their homes, their “Hamilton” tickets, which were worthless to them — to raise money to come and see this great sight. They could not believe that a perfect being such as Donald Trump even existed. They thought that he was a myth or a legend or a decades-long series of fabrications.

But then they saw him, and their doubts fell away.

The media was there, too, and they were very sorry. “Donald,” the newscasters said, “we were mean to you. We used to laugh and call you names. We were no better than all of the other reindeer. How can you ever forgive us?”

“Forgive you?” Donald Trump asked. “I’ve already forgotten.” He smiled a big, beautiful smile. That was just who Donald Trump was: forgiving, like Jesus, but blond.

It was a wonderful start to the day.

Everyone liked Donald Trump’s speech and the words that he used. They liked even more the part where he rolled up his sleeve and showed off his bicep. It was a great bicep. It made the Rock so upset to see it that he threw something down on the ground and said “darn.”

Donald Trump pulled out a violin and played a solo, and then he pulled out a guitar and played an even sicker solo. The whole ground was soon covered with women’s undergarments. (Millions of women were there to support Donald Trump, and they were all AT LEAST sevens.)

Also, every woman that Donald Trump had ever dated was there, and they were not upset with him, just ashamed that they had not lived up to his required standard.

“Trump! Trump! Trump!” the crowd cheered.

Donald Trump touched many people in the crowd in a way that they all thought was welcome and appropriate, and he cured their ailments, from cancer to autism.

“If only we could bottle your touch,” someone said, “children could stop getting vaccinated altogether.”

Donald Trump winked. “Don’t worry!” he said. “I’m on it!”

Then Donald Trump served loaves and fishes to everyone there. There were enough loaves and fishes for everyone, and they all were Made in America and said “TRUMP” on them. It was like the Oscars, but also like Woodstock, but also like the Super Bowl, but also like the Sermon on the Mount.

If you were not there, you should just go home and die, because nothing in your life will have purpose or meaning by comparison, not even holding your newborn child in your arms or having health insurance. This is what FOMO was talking about for all these years.

Bono, and Bruce Springsteen, and Elton John, and the Rolling Stones, and Beyonce, and all the top artists were there. They fought hard over who would be allowed to sing. Finally Bruce Springsteen won. Bono cried and cried, and the other artists had to console him. When Bruce Springsteen had finished singing, he walked over to Donald Trump, extended his hand, and said, “You are the only real hero left in the world.”

The people were so excited that they built a very special stone pyramid just for Donald Trump so that he would not have to wait until he died to see what his monument would look like. But they were silly to be concerned. Donald Trump will never die!

A little child was in the audience, and he started to cry because the emperor was wearing so many clothes. Also, he could tell that he was not and never had been racist.

Donald Trump’s beautiful big family was there. His favorite childhood dog was there, too, back from the farm where he still lives to this day.

Donald Trump can talk to the animals, and his eyes are lasers. When the floor is lava, Donald Trump can walk on it, but only Donald Trump. When Donald Trump points his finger at you, you have to lie down.

But when other people point their fingers at Donald Trump, he does not have to. Donald Trump’s block tower is the biggest. He does not need a nap or a snack. He has the longest, biggest attention span. Everyone loves Donald Trump, and what he has to say interests them.

Donald Trump is the star. People love him.

He won the popular vote, too.

Newer

Older

Scroll down for more posts ▼

Top 10 Most Recent News Articles

ScienceOra Unveils AI Catalyst Design at Tencent Summit

AI in Material Science: Beyond Buzzwords There's a lot of talk out there about AI changing the world, but it's always a different tune when it's put under a microscope. At the 2026 Tencent Global Digital Ecosystem Summit, ScienceOra and Wenge AI showcased an AI-assisted workflow for designing hydrogen-production catalysts. This isn't your average AI cheerleading session,...

Sunset World Group: 32 Years of Beachside Legacy

Celebrating a Beachside Milestone Out there in the sun-soaked corners of Cancun, it's another sunburnt milestone for the folks over at Sunset Royal Beach Resort. We're talking a full 32 years of greeting guests with their signature tropical flair. Now that's the kind of longevity you just don't find in today's fleeting hospitality market. A pat on the back to any...

Chemours Class Action: Key Deadline Approaches Fast

A Rocky Ride for Chemours Investors The ticker might read NYSE:CC, but right now, that might as well stand for "Caution, Cautious," if you ask me. Investors are on high alert with Chemours facing a class action lawsuit, and the stakes couldn’t be higher. Deadline's looming on December 7, 2026, for those gunning for lead plaintiff status. It's a tense time for anyone who...

Wulcea Pioneers Safety in Smart Heated Apparel

Tech Behind the Warmth and Safety You ever turn on a heated jacket and wonder if it'll keep you safe as much as warm? That's the scene with Wulcea, a brand diving headfirst into the smart heated clothing market. People are waking up to what’s inside these technological coats, not just how they feel on a frosty walk. It’s the kind of scenario where safety meets...

PG&E's $500K Grants Wrap Up Five-Year Environmental Push

Wrapping Up a Half-Decay of Environmental Commitment PG&E has been playing the long game with its environmental initiatives, and this wraps up a five-year saga that's worth dissecting. The PG&E Corporation Foundation has doled out its final set of grants, making a 25-strong lineup of eco-friendly campaigns. We're talking $500,000 split among five organizations trying to...

Ensign Lawsuit Deadline Looms: Investors, Wake Up!

A Storm Brewing in Healthcare Here's what will make any half-savvy investor's pulse quicken: The Ensign Group, Inc. (NasdaqGS: ENSG) is in hot legal water, and there's a hefty class action floating around with some serious allegations. ClaimsFiler's got the word out, marking December 7, 2026, as the cut-off date for investors wanting to be part of this securities class...

NABEP's Strategic Push: 41 Rigs to Bolster Output

On The Ground: NABEP's Expanding Venezuelan Presence Think of oil production as a high-stakes poker game where each drill and rig is a well-placed bet. North American Blue Energy Partners (NABEP) is going all in on Venezuela, boosting their rig fleet and pushing production capacity to new heights. Set your sights on November when NABEP's in-country fleet will hit 41 rigs...

Data Incident at Killingly Schools: Lessons in Security

Caught off Guard in Connecticut When a school district's name crosses the ticker tape, you don't expect it to be about a data breach. But that's the hand Killingly Public Schools in Connecticut was dealt. Despite bulletproofing their systems, they found themselves up against a nasty cyber skirmish — a breach exposing personally identifiable information. Timeline of...

Legacy of Professor Raymond Yukna: A Laser Pioneer

End of an Era in Periodontology For those of us who have a stake in the world of dental technology, today hangs heavy. We talk about innovators, pioneers, and game-changers all the time, but Dr. Raymond A. Yukna wasn't just another name on that list - he was the list. The guy practically wrote the book on modern periodontal therapy. With his passing, we're not just saying...

BAIC FOTON Eyes Africa for Bold Expansion Moves

Pushing the Pedal to the Metal in Africa So here's the thing. When a company like BAIC FOTON sets its sights on Africa, you best believe they're not just twiddling their thumbs. Coming off a strong streak in the commercial vehicle game—topping China's sales for 21 years and exports for 15—their ambitions are now married to a keen interest in Africa's burgeoning...