One liners anyone--I don't have a link, see them at another site with no source>>>
I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no
FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE
Taco Bell wouldn't be so popular if indoor plumbing didn't exist
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I'm stuffed. I can't even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I'm good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed last year.
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
Wings are the leading cause of bird flew.
Women are better than cake.
You can have a woman and eat her too.
Doctor said I need to drink more water...
so I’ve started putting ice cubes in my whiskey.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Not to brag, but…
I can cure my wife's insomnia by just taking my clothes off.
If you die in a plane crash…
you also die in real life. That's just what I heard.
When a movie is "Based on a true story"...
it means this is kinda sort of what happened, but with way uglier people.
What you said: "Let's just drop it."
What she heard: "I can't think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence."
The letter ‘n’…
always has to be the center of attention.
Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
Grim Reaper: You should've forwarded that chain e-mail.
What a great guy my uncle was. Everywhere he went he lit up the room. He's doing 20 years for arson now.
People at a school dance waiting to get a drink.
That’s the punch line.
I waited for so long at the doctor's office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *adjusts beer helmet* no
FERRET OWNERS: EITHER GET A CAT OR A SNAKE STOP TRYING TO SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE
Taco Bell wouldn't be so popular if indoor plumbing didn't exist
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I'm stuffed. I can't even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I'm good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed last year.
Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
Wings are the leading cause of bird flew.
Women are better than cake.
You can have a woman and eat her too.
Doctor said I need to drink more water...
so I’ve started putting ice cubes in my whiskey.
Siri, fight Alexa.
Not to brag, but…
I can cure my wife's insomnia by just taking my clothes off.
If you die in a plane crash…
you also die in real life. That's just what I heard.
When a movie is "Based on a true story"...
it means this is kinda sort of what happened, but with way uglier people.
What you said: "Let's just drop it."
What she heard: "I can't think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence."
The letter ‘n’…
always has to be the center of attention.
Grim Reaper: You know why I'm here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
Grim Reaper: You should've forwarded that chain e-mail.
What a great guy my uncle was. Everywhere he went he lit up the room. He's doing 20 years for arson now.
People at a school dance waiting to get a drink.
That’s the punch line.
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